Day 1 - This doesn't feel real

I started having pain in my upper trapezius muscles when I was 7—non coincidentally, this was around the time I started experiencing abuse and neglect at home. My back began to hurt so bad that I was convinced I was growing wings (or maybe I hoped I was so I could fly away).

My back continued to hurt on and off until I was a teenager. As a teen and college student, I cut and starved myself. I developed a seriously unhealthy relationship with my body. Interestingly, during times when I was hurting myself, I had few symptoms. I guess I created my own pain so my brain didn't need to.

It wasn't until I stopped using these unhealthy coping strategies that my pain and other symptoms started to emerge again. My gut started to slow down, I got IBS, UTIs, random gut pains, panic attacks, then migraines, numbness & tingling, and my back pain came back. It spread to my lower back and hips and sometimes down my legs or shoulders. Did so many tests, but there was nothing wrong with me.

One day I started freaking out about all my health issues. My anxiety and gut issues were insane and led me to develop SIBO. I stopped being able to digest solid food. I've improved quite a bit, but I've spent the last 4 years basically unable to live a normal life. I've been working with a functional medicine doctor, but there are clearly emotional issues that are preventing me from healing. So I read a bunch of books on anger, boundaries, etc... and then stumbled upon the Mindbody Prescription a few days ago.

I am the exact type of person who would get TMS. I see now how my earliest pain was coming from repressed rage and how I later intentionally used self-inflicted pain to shove down my emotions. I accept that I have TMS. I have been playing with the techniques and have even been able to reduce and move my pain around my body in the last few days. Clearly, I have TMS.

This diagnosis is both a relief and scary. I think it is taking me a minute to accept the reality of what this means. I was out to dinner with people last night, obsessively ordering specific food and freaking out about whether I would eat something wrong or be judged for not eating certain things and it just suddenly hit me—my mind created this whole elaborate ridiculous orchestration to avoid my repressed rage. I felt like I was out of my body watching someone else's life. Very disorienting.

I guess I also worry that if I'm not "sick" anymore, then I won't have an excuse for not doing things I don't want to do. I'm very bad ad advocating for myself and just people-please and shove everything down. But I'm 100% ready to face whatever emotions are there and heal.

 

This is an important realization and a sign you are well on your way to recovery. Just keep going. You are on the right path.