Day 1 To believe or not to Believe

I first started to explore this line of thinking about a month ago. Have been reading, searching youtube and exploring here.
There is certainly no shortage of sadness, loss, trauma and anger....from childhood on that could explain what I have been experiencing. I have a history of pain and physical symptoms dating from at least 1989. But looking futher back I can see the beginning of this process in an obsession with weight. As a small child (I was a little chubby...my sister was overly thin) I was ridiculed first by family then by other children. When I was maybe 7 I was bribed to lose weight....a pony for losing 10 lbs in a week. Of course I never got the pony and never would have, looking back. We lived in a small house in town. I was pressured to lose weight. My sister was pressured to eat more. I would often secretly help her eat her dinner so she would not be in trouble. My dad was an alcoholic. My home did not feel (and indeed was not) safe and I did not feel loved or accepted. I gradually turned to food for comfort. As I got older and was encouraged (bribed, pressured, ridiculed) to lose weight I began to experiment with dieting. Each diet was mildly successful at first, then added a few more pounds. Over time trying to become good enough to be loved, feeling isolated and afraid, led to an endless downward spiral of trying to solve the weight problem. It became the central issue around which my life revolved and always came back to.....becoming a very effective distraction from the pain of other life issues...many and painful. Eventually life became so traumatic that my bodymind added another distraction. Bring on the pain...fibromyalgia made a thundering appearance weeks after the birth of my third child. I was in an abusive marriage and my mother had just died. More painful events and consequences followed. I have lived in constant and debilitating pain since the death of my oldest son in 2005. I was mostly unable to "do things" with my kids as a single mom. Fun was a foreigner to me. Was barely and painfully able to function enough to keep them housed and fed. And I believe my inability to adequately function led to yet more stressful events. When I started listing painful and traumatic events I my life it seemed there was no end pages and pages.
I have no doubts that most of my current extensive list of symptoms are a manifestation of TMS. One, though is leaving me with doubts. I have had knee problems since I was a kid. Left knee had an operation to move the kneecap, maybe 15 years ago. My knew would "go out" as a kid and less often but very painfully as a younger adult. That hasn't happened since the surgery, but that knee is certainly not pain free. The other (right) knee has had increasing pain over the past few years. Last summer it was intensely painful, which led to visits to the orthopedic surgeon (who referred me also to a spinal surgeon) and chiropractors. Surgery was recommended for the knee. The pain doc that the spinal surgeon referred me to said my back was all "f'd up" and offered a list of chemical solutions. I declined. I kept putting off the knee surgery. Not only didn't it "feel right" but I couldn't take the time off work. Glad I didn't operate now.
But I am trying to test the knee against TMS. Not only is there pain. The knee often 'catches". Right lower leg is turned out to the right and when I walk (more hobble...picture the left to right wobbling gait of a very old person in pain) I list and lean to the right because of the pain. Stairs are an enormous challenge. I have not been able to walk even around the block for a very long time. Sometimes barely to the next room. Chiro who looked at the xray / mri said I had to get surgery because my knee was in such bad shape. He was surprised that they didn't recommend knee replacement, but said that surgery for deteriorating meniscus and to remove loose bodies would hasten the need for knee replacement. Have not found a local doc to apply TMS theory to the knee.
So it seems my journey to and through TMS started as a child nearly 60 years ago. So looking forward to letting go of this way of coping.
Would appreciate any feedback especially on the knee.

 

Dear connectthedots,

So glad you have landed at this site. Your story is sad, but your resolve to delve into the myriad issues of your life is a testament to your inner-strength and inner-knowing that you can move forward, out of this quagmire to a better you, both physically and mentally.

I cannot speak knowledgeably of the knee issue, but my guess is that your instinct is right. Do a search for knee problems in the search bar on the site. Be specific regarding how you name it and then if nothing comes, be less specific. I am certain there are many others who have visited/used this site who have suffered knee issues. Read other stories of individual healing. I found that this gave me hope and sometimes direction. Reading others success stories can be uplifting.
Keep posting, questions, comments. Others will chime in as the mood strikes them. Most participants on this site have come to this by accident. Finding in on a search of symptoms, or surfing youtube videos, etc. Everyone has a story and many choose to continue the TMS path. Also, read some of the success stories offered by many on their sites, even if there symptoms were not yours. These are inspiring stories.

Best wishes, glad you landed here. Don't give up.

Kindly,
Lainey

 

Another suggestion would be to post your entry (above) on the Support Forum or the General Discussion Forum. You may get more responses.

 

Thank you Lainey for taking time to read and comment. Have been reading and watching the stories of others. Now reading Steve O's book. Have a Sarno book waiting. Joining the weekly chat here, doing some sitting and some journaling, and starting the program...…..Looking back at that it looks like a typical TMS personality path, huh? LOL I am not hitting it hard every day, promise.