Day 1

Just came accross the structured education program and thought I would give it a try.
I came across Dr Sarno a good few years ago and have had huge benefit from it. It was due to RSI and neck and shoulder pain that I was searching and I discovered very quickly that I was a prime TMS candidate. Over the years I have seen an end to the RSI, but later had episodes of very strong back pain. I was able to get rid of the pain pretty successfuly in short spaces of time but about a year ago I started developing exzema of some type. I know that it is TMS because of its irratic nature and it's ability to massively absorb my attention - I am very 'distracted' by it. It has been an extremely hard year and I have felt very close to the edge. I am having counselling which is helping to bring up some past emotions as well as revealing how much pressure I put on myself.
I go through phases of being determined but then the pain can be so bad, I crash and feel like giving up. I'm still battling on and I am hoping that this time, I can get to the bottom of things and become symptom free.

 

Hi Esrom42,

I am glad you're starting the SEP. Although you're experiencing some real challenges, reading your post, it seems you understand a lot about yourself, and TMS. Your previous experiences re TMS give you a real boost up compared to many who are new to this. If you can step back a little from the fear, this will help. In fact, this may be a deep calling in your healing journey right now: to be able to observe the fears, the pain, and not be so identified. Alan Gordon's program is very good for this too at the Wiki. http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Pain Recovery Program)

Andy B

 

Thank you Andy B. You are very right about the fear, it has been much harder to deal with this than during previous symptoms and I feel like I got myself in a trap. I realised that I had begun to fear particular thought patterns that I had identified with the TMS - not just fearing the pain, but fearing what caused the pain and feeling like I couldn't do anything about that. They were thought patterns that just happened and I felt powerless to stop them. I have been focusing on letting thoughts go to not be attached with them and I feel like I am getting better at recognising them quickly and encouraging myself that they are just thoughts and not the real cause of the symptoms.
Another thing that is hard, is a physical response to the symptom. With back pain, I learned to get on with life and to not let it prevent me from physical activity. With the skin pain, there seems to be no physical response like that that I can do. It's incredibly itchy and sometimes it takes everything in me not to scratch it which is pretty unhelpful as that is basically focusing on the pain.
I've been so frustrated with this one having had success before. It's been almost a year now and although I've had massive insights into the roots of my TMS, they don't seem to be preventing the pain too much. I'll take a look at Alan Gordon't program too.

 

I think this is an important insight and practice. Our habitual patterns are best held with compassion and understanding. You describe the "fear of certain thoughts." I think that it is good to see the fear about the thoughts, and let this fear dissolve through awareness, just as you are doing. There are so many subtle ways that we can be misled in our TMS work. I congratulate you on seeing through something which was catching you. The fear and rejection of the thoughts creates more inner conflict and tension than do the thoughts themselves.

 

Well, Alan's programme is exactly what I need. I have heard everything he says before (that I've read so far) but somehow, the light bulbs are all going off in my head right now. I love that you said fear dissolves through awareness. It does and it can! It has become crystal clear that rather than the thoughts causing the pain, the thoughts themselves are a process of my brain to keep me on high alert to potential danger. Thanks to a lot of journaling this year, I now know that predominantly, there is a fear of failure leading to rejection and the thoughts in my head are actually there to try and keep me safe. I could not see that before and I just hated them and my pain. Now, I KNOW that the thoughts are not me! They are my brain trying to keep me in a safe place and the pain is there to keep me from discovering the whole process. I see that I can let those thoughts just pass by without fearing them - they are not going to cause me pain - and I can also begin to let myself rest in a safe place despite the pain. I actually feel more positive than I have felt in a long time and am ready to dig in and see this through. This morning I just started to see myself in a very free place - or at least the possibility of it was there ahead of me.

 

Beautiful report Esrom42! Many insights, but this is my favorite.

I hope many people read this!!