Day 1

I guess where I’m at in my journey is probably pretty similar to where you once were on day 1, too.

I find myself in a state of distress, fear, panic, worry, and full of hatered and anger towards my body several times a day. And recently, I’ve found myself getting more and more angry at myself for being angry at myself. I am a mother to the most beautiful person I know and I’m married to the second most beautiful person I know.

I have, pretty much, everything I could ever want.

But I didn’t always, I didn’t grow up with two parents who loved each other, or even me, sometimes. My father told me several times that no one could ever love me if my car wasn’t clean or that I ate too much or laughed too loud and that I needed to speak less around certain people to make a good impression. He occasionally hit my brother and my mom, but never me. My mom basically checked out when my dad left and started drinking and sent me to get medicated when I started to make poor decisions instead of talking to me about it instead.. She insisted I was just a “really difficult kid”, keyword, kid. I was a kid, who needed guidance, who needed attention, and who needed discipline.

But my mom, man did she fill me with love despite the bad. She was and continues to be my rock through everything. I’m also surpingly very close to my dad, too. I am lucky to say both of my parents are some of my favorite friends.

Anyways, here I am, 28 years old, a new mother, a new wife, a new homeowner, dealing with the normal daily stresses of life.. Except they’re adding up, every day. My ears ring, constantly, and sometimes, my left one fills with the pulsing sound of my heart..

I was a musician and really honed in on it for years of my life, playing religiously every single day for hours. I played shows to opened for some of my favorite bands and got to experience singing my heart out on stage to 1,500 people. I was speaking my truth, but I wasn’t happy. I was unstable. Medicated. Chaotic. I gave it all up the day I had my first ear surgery in my adult life to have “permanent tubes” placed in my eardrum to hopefully eliminate a very minor inconvenience where I heard my voice amplified on occasion. I regretted my decision the second I woke up and heard the ringing. Since that day, and since I’ve stopped singing, I have had chronic tinnitus, occasional pulsatile tinnitus, and have been diagnosed with an auto immune diseases called hyperthyroidism.

It’s been 3 years since I’ve started having symptoms. And this year, things took a violent turn after a car wreck and my thyroid levels raising rapidly. I panicked. I had no control. I felt like everything was falling apart and I couldn’t stop it.

and then I realized, I don’t need to stop it. I just need to roll with it. I just need to surrender and let go. I need to heal what’s inside of me, I need to unlearn what my parents taught me. I need to be kinder to myself and let go of this belief that I have to control everything. I do believe I will heal. In fact, I know I will. In this moment, I’m all in. I’m here for it.

But I know tomorrow will challenge me again, and I know there’s a chance I’ll be unprepared for it and it’ll throw off my day a bit.. But I also know there’s a chance that maybe my innate wisdom will be perfectly prepared, just as she is, to handle anything that may arise within my body.. Because we’re capable of anything, all the time, always.

Anyways, I half hope no one reads this and I half hope someone does.

 

Thanks for your response! Happy to be here and thankful this program exists. I already feel so much less alone in this.