Day 1

Hello all!

You may have noticed my posts over the past week - different questions and pondering I've had, in my path to fully dismissing my diagnosis.

I feel like I am in a monumentally different, and more faithful mindset after the reassurance and resources offered by this forum. I'm proud to say I no longer have any mental doubts about my diagnosis. This, is on the surface level of my mind though - and I think it will take a while for my acceptance of TMS to seep down into the underbelly of my subconscious.

Day 1 of the formal program - and I feel like I am embarking on a whole new journey. My past few days I have been making progress - although admittedly, set back today by a VERY painful sneeze! My pain levels in my low back are very high, but instead of icing it or feeling self pity - I'm here doing this work and I have faith in myself.

A life with out TMS, would mean freedom.
But more than that - more than not feeling pain - it would mean being the author of my own human experience.

I'm optimistic about this journey, because of what it symbolizes. It represents relinquishing a victim mentality. Stepping into the drivers seat of my life. And maximizing my capacity to FEEL - all things. I cannot go on any longer in denial of the deep pain I feel - the weight of the burden I have carried these past few years for my family. I feel like the only capable one of any of my siblings, who are all completely dysfunctional in their own unique ways - I was the only one strong enough to stand up and take responsibility for caretaking for my mother, for handling logistics after her passing, and then following that - to discover my step fathers totally unexpected passing. SO much of this experience, is still unfelt by me.

By opening those gateways - feeling it all - I know that my capacity to feel pleasure, to embrace my own humanity will only be enhanced.

My TMS pain to me, feels like.. "there's someting wrong with me". I'm examining where this belief ripples though many areas of my life. Areas where I apply myself, about 95% - but there is always this lurking feeling of unmet potential. Relinquishing my TMS represents going all the way in accepting my human potential. It feels like an initiation into my personal power, autonomy, and self responsibility.

I've got a lot of unpacking to do.

My biggest doubt or worry is that my conscious mind will hijack the experience, or that I won't be able to relinquish control. I think this inquiry has everything to do with releasing control, and stepping into faith. Faith in myself, faith in this curriculum. Focusing on the "physical" cause of it all has been my way of maintaining an illusion of control or understanding - and so, stepping into this - means releasing control, and stepping into the unknown. And so my worry is that I won't be able to surrender. That my mental patterns will hijack the experience, or that I will fall back into my old ways of "no there is actually something wrong with me"