Day 1

Hello,

I'm a 37 year old Colombian. I grew up raised by my mom, she used to have financial problems, reason why even after being beaten by her husband, she would stay with him so me and my 3 siblings would have food, education and a place to live. After I was 12 I asked her to leave him as I didn't care if we ate only once a day, we would be happier not seeing her being treated that way, I also asked her to suit my biological father for child-support so she would have some help. She did, but I saw how much she used to struggle for money and my biological father didn't pay any money but until I was 21, and what he paid was a misery.

I was bullied at school for being poor and I never felt like I fit in, not even at home. I didn't want to be like my mother because that would mean I'd be weak, un-educated and dependent on a man. I really disliked the role of women in society as we are the ones who carry all family responsibility, no wonder why my back pain started with my first menstruation when I was 13, I remember feeling so much pain that I had to be on the floor to release tension. After that I continued having pain every month and every Sunday after cleaning the house.

When I was 24 I had obtained my bachelor's degree as a Spanish and English teacher, I started to invite my mom to restaurants and cultural events. When I invited her on a trip, she was so happy, I really wanted to make her happy, the day before the trip she had an accident, a motorcycle hit her and she has been in bed since then, it's been 14 years. After she came back from the hospital she was mean, she treated me like shit as she had dementia. I tried to help her, change her diapers, feed her, work, clean, cook, etc., one of my sibilings moved in with us to help but it was worse. One day I didn't change her diaper properly (I was learning) and he hit me. That continued to a point when I had to leave home, leave her. I kept working to provide for her, my sibilings sent her to a geriatric home where she almost died, there are no good places in Colombia no matter how expensive they are. While she was there I worked on a cruise ship, I had to be standing up 12 or 14 hours smiling while selling memorabilia to clients. There it was when I felt as if my back had broken in two, but my colleagues told me their backs hurt too and that I shouldn't complain, so I kept working. Then I felt a warm fire in both my feet, plantar fasciitis. My colleagues would jokingly call me 'crippled', as I started to limp. When I was sent on vacations back home, I visited my mom, and I couldn't leave her again.

I took her back home, got a job and a nurse to take care of her while I was working. My mom had stopped talking. she would just curse at people, but she would pinch me near my underarms every time I had to move her from her bed to her chair or to the shower. It was hard, butI did it, I kept praying god every night to take us both so we could rest and be together in heaven. One day my brother hit me one last time because I hired someone to clean his bathroom (he wouldn't even flush the toilet for months and the smell was terrible, also I couldn't clean anymore because my back would hurt too much afterwards), when he went to the kitchen and opened the knife drawer I opened the door of the house and started screaming asking for help, I was so lucky a police officer was walking towards the police station after his break and was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. I told him what happened, my brother denied everything but my face was bleeding, so we had to go to the police station, I was let go after explaining what happened and went to the hospital and waited 4 hours for the doctor to see me but because of lack of medical insurance they didn't help me. I went back home and called my brother's best friend to help him get out of the police station (sounds stupid, but my mom wouldn't want any of her kids being there). My brother moved out and then my Dutch boyfriend decided to bring me to the Netherlands so I could get help for my back, make money to send home and pay someone to take care of my mom and maybe move on with my life.

I've been in the Netherlands since the end of 2020, I've had every therapy I could find so I could get better, but I got worse and worse. The pain started to go to my hands and I lost my job from home that I could finally get, I couldn't even dress myself, I got rosacea, I couldn't even wear jeans as my belly would swollen no matter what I ate. This year I started to get better after I got my ADHD diagnosis, they suspect I'm also autistic, which could explain why I feel I can never fit in, and I started yoga and meditation. Soon after my elbows, knees and groin joined the party and every specialist was just sending me back to my GP.

I ended up going to a rehabilitation pain center where they told me that all that pain was a manifestation of repressed trauma, I didn't believe much, but then I started my own search and found out about Dr. Sarno, bought his book and the pain was gone (except in my back). I started doing Tae Bo, cooking more (I never cooked before but being here it became something I'm passionate about), and I'm planing on going out more, maybe make some friends. I started journaling but my pain increases and moves around. It seems that the rehabilitation center I went to is not going to accept me since they think I have PTSD, even if I was already treated for that, they think I need to go back to therapy before working on pain...

I think I will have to start working on TMS on my own while I'm on waiting list after waiting list in search for a place to get help. That's why I'm here. If you kept reading my post, thank you and I'm sorry it is this long. I appreciate any suggestion or advice in this never-ending self-acceptance journey.

Laura.

 

@LauraG8792 , I am so impressed that you were able to write out your traumatic story and share it with us. That is an important first step! @JanAtheCPA has recommended an excellent course of action for you, and I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing. We are all here to support one another.

 

Thank you Jan!

I actually had psychotherapy for longer than a year, unfortunately I couldn't connect with my psychologist, she said I went through things like any other human being and I don't need any more therapy as psychology isn't for me. When she said that I felt like I wasted my time, my husband's and my expectations sank and of course, I felt so lonely that I even started to wish I was dead (yet again). I couldn't go out of bed. I had to look for ways to feel better on my own and persist, that's why I'm here. I was as open as I could, I would do the things she asked me to do, I was vulnerable and it was bad. I'm not sure I can go through that again.

I had done the Ace quiz before and unfortunately my score was high. I also found guided meditation on youtube that helps me see things from my inner child's perspective, at the beginning it was so hard to follow as it would evoke so many feelings and traces of my own history, then I started to observe. I think it would be a good idea to continue with that kind of meditation, thank you for your advice

 

Thank you Ellen! I don't know if it is my unconscious or just my ADHD, but I feel like I need to do other things rather than this program, yet I will continue with it no matter what.

 

You are truly a warrior @LauraG8792
Wish you all the best! Thank you for sharing your story.