day 1

i've been managing wrist pain for 20 years, later got back and feet pain last 10 years. In my case carpal tunnel surgery didnt help. i left my programming career in 2014 i was in so much pain. I came accross dr sarno's work in 2014 and didnt believe it. I went to Rusk for phys therapy and when they told me about mindbody I was so sceptical and angry A few years later started reading sarno's 'divided mind' and started feeling better, I didnt finish the book. Now i want to solve the other parts of my body in pain (feet, back), now hands hurt 90% less. I struggle believing

Based on therapy, sarnos's book and gabor mate books, I was not taking care of myself physically (working w/o pauses, breaks, ergonomics) and emotionally, i tend to isolate, be a do gooder/people pleaser (not knowing to say no or manage difficult emotions in healthy ways). my wrist pain is 90% gone, back/feet pain 40% better. I am now experimenting with painacademy and IFS/cbt counseling.

Now I started taking courses to transition to a career in proj mgt after 10 years of leaving full time work (been doing part time work odd jobs, and parenting) I am afraid of going back to work, aggravating pain, scared of socializing, failing, judgement, not being good enough at my job, pain affecting my work and having to leave again. I am ashamed of leaving my job abruptly in 2014, i likely hurt many people. I miss some of my coworkers, i lked them so much and i have been so ashamed i isolated and lost those connections.

not going to fix spelling on purpose and its hard not to apologize for long post

 

thank you Jan, "you really are addicted to being a goodist" i am and i needed to hear this somehow. i've been noticing some of the pressure/judgement thoughts last few days and remembering to "Give yourself a break! feels good

 

I am glad you posted. Just shook something loose.
I too thought Sarno was total BS the first time I heard it. That was about 18 months before I finally read it and was completely 'converted'. You held out a lot longer than I did!
I just reflected after reading your post....Of the TMS I have had in life about 90% were around work.

I work in the trades so every Job is 'Temporary' but for a long long time I always got a one day relapse on the first day of every new job. I of course just ignored them and they always went away.

I recently developed hand pain that happened on the best Job I had all year, financially and situationally. It is virtually gone, but I didn't equate it with the work I was doing until I filled out the questionnaire portion of Schubiners book...which is essentially Sarno-in-a-workbook. I normally just make lists of anger makers which always include work, but I overlooked...TMS usually comes on the GOOD jobs..not the low-paying ones, or the dig-a-trench crappy ones.

It is always when I think everything is 'Fine and Dandy'. I am being paid well. They are using my alleged talents.

Because inside... You know the deal.

welcome

 

Hi, @richard_lt
Gosh I feel for you! My TMS forced me to quit working. It’s such a blow in so many ways! Learning to be good to yourself doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve been on this forum for eight months and I’m making some headway in the goodism and perfectionism category. I’ve pretty much had to revamp my life inside and out. People on the forum talk about “The Journey.” When I first came here, I couldn’t imagine what they were talking about. It seemed simple. Read a book. Do a little journaling; get better. But it’s not like that at all. Over time you start to see all your ways and a lot of what caused this and it’s a pretty big project to unravel it all and reboot. But it’s 100% possible. and if you hang out on this forum, you’ll meet the people who have healed or who are managing their TMS on an ongoing basis and they are very wise. It’s great you’re taking the SEP because you’ll learn how to heal. Just don’t give up no matter what. you can fix this. Check out this success story. I think it might speak to you. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/healed-from-chronic-chronic-back-pain-i-love-myself-baby.14640/#post-77360 (Healed from chronic chronic back pain.. I Love Myself baby!!)

 

I did, held out long, it's sad, and i admit theres a part of me that feels 'proud?' of holding that long, thoughts 'you're good at toughing it out, holding, one of the best maybe?' can you believe this? I cant believe i am admitting that.

"Of the TMS I have had in life about 90% were around work.' i hear you and relate, i might be somewhere in 70-95% last 15 years.

"every Job is 'Temporary'" that sounds scary

"TMS usually comes on the GOOD jobs..not the low-paying ones, or the dig-a-trench crappy ones." i want to hear more your thoughts on that.

"Because inside... You know the deal." i have an idea or two. it's hard to reply to these msgs, i feel very deeply sad, and heard. thank you

 

I'm noticing it, 'goodism and perfectionism', more than ever as i work thru Alan's program and listen to his book. jeez i almost went tot that sentence to fix it arrrggg, this is hard, the first few days have been rough. i've had some really good moments of reflection, expressing myself, letting me feel my emotions. its a relief, i can cant wait for whats ahead, thank you for sharing your story Diana. that link's story is helpful 'love yourself' gtg see u around

 

Ok. Right now I haven't worked all month. Pretty Scary. It is an occupational hazard of being a tradesman. It is almost always slow around the Holidays.
I am aware of the fear. I don't try to whistle in the dark...I am careful with the money I have , I know this is coming every year so I stockpile $ for the times of dearth..I don't like it, but I don't really repress the anger/fear/frustration...it is too obviously disturbing to get buried.

Now..It's August. My phone is blowing up. I am turning away jobs I would BEG for in December becuase i am swamped with requests. I am making almost twice my regular $ rate. Everything is going my way. I am doing complicated art work with easy deadlines and a big budget for materials and supplies.
Ouch...why does that hurt? I have no problems? My rent is paid months in advance? My dogs healthy? I just bought a new guitar?there is food in the fridge? I am getting along with my Family and friends?

Now the 'little me' that I have met doing the TMS paperwork wants to get a word in now and then and I am ignoring him completely!
Sarno actually has a side by side column on this topic in the beginning of "Mindbody Prescription"
These he would call 'Adult' and 'Child'. I call it 'little me' and ' Big me'

Little me thinks that I don't know what I am doing on my job
Little Me, thinks I am overwhelmed and in over my head and is going to get 'outed' for being incompetent
Little me remembers getting kicked out of every school I ever went to , and boy this place reminds me of school
Little Me remembers every news article ....there are women on this job and I am terrified of being fired...so I don't talk to them..then I am afraid of being fired for being 'surly' and 'non communicative' and 'toxic'
Little Me is FURIOUS about his inability to understand the rules
Little Me wants to take this money and go drink and do drugs, but is sober and has been a long time
etc. ad nauseum

I didn't bother with this much until I got TMS. I was already in a 12 step group where I had to 'clean my side of the street' but Little me never got addressed and MOSES me (the third part of ID, EGO and SUPEREGO)
Is so certain that I am a 'GOOD GUY' tm, that I disregard 'little me's' existence completely.

I read MBP. I copy Sarno's list..... get a grainy picture of that little me, and the next time my pain that comes out of nowhere , I stop and say "hmm...which part of the little me that I am not feeling is kicking against the pricks right now? What would he do in this situation? What is he pissed about? Since it is repressed I am not gonna 'magically' get it...but with enough writing and ruminating I start to know his profile.

SO...When I am digging a foundation by hand for bottom wages, Little me is only a few feet down. He's dirty, angry and underpaid, covered in mud and no one cares what he says or does as long as the hole gets dug... There is no need to Push back against him.
But when things start going Big Me's way and it's clear sailing, that little bastard can start a lot of problems. He grew up in turmoil and it's almost like he doesn't like it when it gets too quiet.

Any time I have a relapse the first thing I do is get pissed because "I know all of this crap". Then when my anger cools down, I get out the book (Now Schubiners work book just for a new set of questions) and I start getting better. It's like being Born Again thousands of time in one life.

Sorry for the book, but it is subtle. The Good news is, I don't have to 'give in' to hedonism or become a perma-psych-patient....just spend some time alone with a pen and paper and the right stuff to jog my foggy head clear. This really is a gift. And it doesn't take up that much time.

peace

 

Ain't that the truth. It's a hard pill to swallow.