Day 10. Journaling and Guilt

Today my journaling was all about guilt. It didn't start off that way. I was writing my Unsent Letter to someone; in that writing, I realized my sole connection with them is one based on my feelings of guilt. And then I thought about how guilt has been such a motivating factor in my life. Here's a story that will illustrate how I was a Guilty Child, even at age 4 or 5. (I just had this insight today.)

When I was around 4 or 5, my mom and I were at a local strip mall, where there was a kiddie carnival. I was super excited to ride the "train". It's in quotes for a reason. For some reason, it was not apparent to my mom that the kids' train ride had a lot of hills and drops in it, unlike most kids' train rides which are typically pretty flat. So, I got on, spent the most terrifying three minutes in my young life, and got off, shaken and feeling a little ill.

When I got to Mom, she said, "it was nice of that little boy to ride with you". I hadn't even noticed him, so frightened was I. I didn't want to tell her, "It was terrible! It went too fast! It went up and down! I thought I was going to die!" because she seemed so happy that I'd gone on the ride and supposedly made a new friend. I didn't want to ruin her day even though she'd basically ruined mine. Protecting another's feelings at the expense of my own, and of my long-term health.

No, she was not a cruel woman. She may have even realized the mistake after the ride took off, but she wouldn't say anything because, well, displays of fear and strong emotion were hard for her to handle.

Anyway, I had this guilt-laced journaling session today. Finding guilt and realizing how it has woven itself through so many of my relationships. This song started playing in my head while I was journaling, and I think it's appropriate for TMSers who have big guilt issues, like me. It struck a chord with me when I listened to it over and over again 40 years ago, and now I see how much of it was ME.


I tried to link to a YouTube video, but it's not working (I'm not super techno savvy), but if you want to hear it, google Bonnie Raitt Guilty.

Lyrics
Yeah baby, I've been drinking,
And I shouldn't come by I know
But I found myself in trouble darling,
And I had nowhere else to go
Got some whiskey from a bar man,
Got some cocaine from a friend
I just had to keep on moving,
Till I was back in your arms again
Well I'm guilty, yeah I'm guilty,
I'll be guilty for the rest of my life
How come I never do,
What I'm supposed to do
How come nothing that I try to do ever turns out right
Well you know how it is with me baby,
You know I just can't stand myself
It takes a whole lot of medicine,
For me to pretend to be somebody else.
Songwriters: Randy Newman
Guilty lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company

 

Hi, Cricket313. You really should stop feeling guilty about your anger toward your mother for that long-ago trauma.
She probably had no idea how the tot train ride would affect you. You need to forgive her.

I remember many instances when I was angry at my mother, but have put it into perspective and realized she had a rough life and must have had her own TMS pains. She often had migraine headaches that I'm sure were caused by her emotions. Now I marvel at how much she endured, most of it so my older brother and sister and I could have a roof over our heads.

The Bonnie Raitt song has some very good thoughts.

If your mother is still alive, maybe share a forgiveness hug or love-in. If not, write her a forgiveness letter and enclose your love. Mothers are not perfect, although most of them try to be. I'm not perfect, nor are you. We shouldn't try, but most of the time can't help but try. Forgive your mother, but forgive yourself as well. If your mother has passed, hug yourself and pretend you are hugging her.

 

Guilt is so hard and I'm sorry you're feeling it @Cricket313
I feel it too and think that mine might have roots in perfectionism - like in your story "I must be the perfect daughter and not share ugly sad fear anxiety - instead I'll just nod and say it was great"
Protecting others feelings at the expense of my own -- wow that strikes a chord!
Thank you for sharing!

 

I never realized that I probably felt anger over that incident, but I don't feel that I still have it. I think my primary emotion was fear. There was a time when I suddenly became fearful of a lot of things, and was afraid to use things like the playground slide. It was probably to do with that. Still not comfortable with heights but I'm okay with that. If we were meant to be off the ground, we would have wings.

 

Guilt is a bastard. I've felt guilty over things that I've done or said that probably didn't affect the other person one bit.

I don't want to be mean to people but I'm done suffering over what are in essence other people's problems, and therefore none of my business.

 

Thank you for sharing!
I have realized that a lot of my TMS symptoms (CFS) comes from guilt and especially shame.