Day 10 SEP

So it's very hard not to get frustrated during this process. Every night I go to bed exhausted and sore and every morning I wake up exhausted and sore. This frequent urination at night time that's been happening for months is starting to drive me a little crazy. On a good night I'll have to get up about six times to use the washroom and on a bad night it's over a dozen. I don't get solid sleep and it's really affecting my mood during the day on top of the pain in my neck back and hips. It's relentless. I don't understand why I have stretches of a few weeks of very mild pain but then it'll come back with a vengeance. Then I'm left feeling that all the journalling and reading and learning and work I've been doing was for nothing when the pain comes back. I can't help but feel like this is going to be my life forever. It's very discouraging to say the least! I've been trying to learn my limits and to not over do it during the day and practice self-care but when you're a single mother with no family and no car my to do list of things that are Necessities that I must get done is too much and it adds stress which creates more pain. So every day I only do what must be done and not what I would like to do but even that is too much but I can't throw in the towel and it's creating a lot of rage. Excuse my Italian but I am getting increasingly f****** pissed off over here. My childhood was awful. Was raised by a single mother who was addicted to drugs. Moved 24 times and went to 21 different schools. I got bullied at almost all of them. I was always the new kid and was trying to fit in but everybody else already had their groups and there was no room for me. Became homeless at 15 years old after getting out of Children's Aid got caught up in drugs and partying ended up getting raped on the street. My life was going nowhere fast. I continued doing drugs and drinking everyday from age 13 to 25. My own mother was the first one to give me my first drug at 13 years old. It was acid. Mother of the year I know. It snowballed from there and I started dabbling in ecstasy cocaine Percocets morphine oxy's Valium Special K magic mushrooms and a s*** ton of alcohol. No wonder my brain is screwed up today. But after all those years of being an addict and following in my mother's footsteps I quit everything cold turkey back in October of 2011. The year I got pregnant. And I haven't looked back since. I now have my own apartment, I went back to school and got my grade 12 at least, my baby was born healthy, and most importantly I'm completely sober and I'm not repeating the cycle of my childhood with my daughter. The reason I say this while I'm crying is because I feel like this chronic pain that I'm going through is the thanks I get for doing a 180 to give my daughter the kind of Mother that I needed as a child. I deliberately stopped using all drugs because I didn't want to be like my mom but I never thought that I would be dealing with this chronic pain that still leaves my daughter stuck with a mother who is not at her best mentally even though it's not from drugs and it's from the pain. Battling sobriety is a job in itself and then the chronic pain makes me so depressed but now I have nothing to numb myself with because I refuse to take drugs so I'm doing all of this unmedicated and I'm extremely pissed off. I know that this kind of turned into a big rant about a bit of my life but I needed to get this off my chest. While I'm struggling everyday still and trying to heal the parts of me that my mom has broke my mother is absent and she lives right down the street which creates a lot more rage. She never visits she never calls to see how her granddaughter is doing. It's like she's already dead. I'm livid and I know all this anger and hurt and sadness and frustration is feeding my pain but I don't know how to break the cycle.