Day 10: who I hide my emotions from

I hide my emotions from two people. One is a friend, one is an entity.

I have a friend who I find insufferable. I love her, but she is quite honestly sometimes a drag to speak to. She is trying very hard at life to do better and be better, but she doesn't make enough time to work on her mind, and I end up feeling like her life coach; you know? Like her therapist, and it infuriates me. I share resources with her that could help (because she asks) and tells her what to do to help herself (because she asks). But week after week, lo and behold, it's the same her.

One time we were arguing about something and she told me that I 'shouldn't have done something' and I 'should have' blah blah. I HATE SHOULDS. I HATE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD PEOPLE. I am a recovering should person, and I hate being pressured into the concept that I am an all knowing God that somehow knows what other people need. I understand that there's ways things COULD be done differently, but I despise the SHOULD.

I never told her how angry her should statement made me. And I've never told her how infuriating it is to be her friend. I also never told her how infuriating it is to be her life coach- or
anyone's life coach- that isn't paying. My mother does this to me as well- expect me to know things, help her, guide her, and I want to scream at her because she was never there for me as a child, but is such a demanding adult on me. I hate that people who know that I'm a little wise in certain areas of my life want to use me to help them. Now, my mother, I shouted at- which I'm sorry to say. I screamed at her a month before my symptoms begun, and literally stopped speaking to her because I told her that the rage she brought up by pushing me to my limits would eventually make me sick if I kept it going. I remember this one friend I just spoke about saying to me to not stop going to therapy because it 'was for us'. I remember one time this friend telling me that she wanted me to coach her for an interview, and when I told her I don't know anything about interviews and pointed her towards somebody that did, SHE GOT MAD AT ME. I am not Jesus!! I know about Jesus, but I myself am not Jesus! So people like this drain me, and make me angry, because I feel so compelled to help them, then I get angry with them for not helping themselves when they ask me to help them, then I feel ashamed of myself for either shunning them away when I'm overwhelmed with them or I feel overwhelmed and helpless that I can't support them, then their problems become my problems, and then I get angry with myself for caring so damn much. This can all be understood through the lens of codependancy and growing up with my alcholic father, who died when I was 1o.

Anyway, on the friend- I believe that the knowledge that I've shared with her on divine healing can enable her to walk free from sickness (like i have now), and heal her mother, YET SHE WON'T LISTEN TO IT. I'm fairly certain that according to the prognosis, if she doesn't plug into believing, her mother will die. And if her mother dies, I don't think I will be able to listen to her complain about how God took her away. Basically it's like watching a sick person drowning in a boat a few steps from land. And they keep asking you how to get to the land, and eventually I realized that to help her, I needed to step a little into the water to drag her.

Now guess what? I'm wet too! Now I finish the conversation feeling discouraged, hopeless and depressed, because that's how she is, and that's how I used to be. But I can't stand listening to complaining these days, ever since I gave it up. My faith believes that death and life are in the power of the tongue so what we say with our words, or listen to, affects us. So listening to her, in an attempt to help her is death. I know that it might be easier to cut her off, but I don't want to. What I'm interested in is the degree to which I have kept my emotions away from her, because I'm scared of her reaction, and scared that I'll lose her friendship- although truthfully speaking, if it continues this way, it will be a stressful friendship.

The second group I hide my emotions from is the internet. I would love to share my thoughts on how to live a better, healthier life, but I am overwhelmed by how 'perfect looking' people who get attention on the internet are. It actually infuriates me to feel not good enough. See, like on Instagram, in order to get attention, you need to be 1) Funny 2)Or look rich 3) Or take incredible photos? I think. Truthfully I don't know- those are just the rules I have. Hmm. Pressure. So whenever I want to share things on the internet, I get super stressed out, because the kind of quality I am competing with is beyond me.

I haven't bought new clothes in probably 3 years so I tell myself my clothes are not good enough to take pictures, I can't post pictures as who I am, it won't get attention, it won't be aestheticallyv pleasing (as we know instagram is like a giant magazine). But if I participate in that, I know that will make me mad too- because then I'm keeping people focused on the things of this world- my body, my surroundings, my money or whatever, whilst people like Leonardo Di Caprio who posts about the environment- is more up my alley. Regardless, I'm a talker and love to share my thoughts with people on the internet. But I am assailed by thoughts that I will either not be good enough, like it won't look as incredible as it could and i have to make it look professional and HD and all to get attention, (and since no one likes to do work that takes all the effort in the world but gives nothing in return) my efforts stop short. And then I live with the internal rage that I'm not sharing or helping others with the things I've gleaned so far. The cycle...

 

So how about you give yourself a break and stop pressuring yourself?! You do not have to compete with anything or anybody.... if you want to put wise words on the internet - then do it - but don;t then be judging yourself in any way by what the result or lack of is.... If one person read it and were helped in some way - then you did good. But whether you 'feel' that people are judging your words by their content or by your appearance - is meaningless.... don;t waste your precious time...

 

1) "I told her I don't know anything about interviews and pointed her towards somebody that did, SHE GOT MAD AT ME."
That´s just very strange behavior from your friend. Like manipulative. Not very friend-like when you are adults.

2) I sense much anger in your writing - good that you are venting your emotions!

 

Hi Hedger- no not really. Today, after venting yesterday, I decided to have a talk with her, told her how I felt about my experience of being her friend and asked for a break from friendship with her. I'm sad about it but I think it's better this way. Thank you for reading.

 

Ask her to find a therapist and go silent.

 

That's so funny Balsa. One of the last things I did was send her a heartfelt message thanking her for her friendship and telling her that I hope that one day she seeks therapeutic help. Our minds were on the same wavelength! I don't believe in going silent though, but we ended that chapter on a good note. Felt a little sad but happy to have spoken my mind