Day 10

The person I am most hiding my emotions from is my mother. She has been diagnosed with moderate dementia and does not want anyone to know, including her sons. I know, she knows but we aren't talking about it. Months ago, I convinced myself that the right thing to do is to keep her happy. I have a baby and bringing her to see my parents makes them so happy, especially my mother. The last thing I want to do is to compound her sorrow by getting emotional at a time when I just want her to be happy.

The Problem is that the emotional pain is terrible. I swallow it down and there are times where I need to leave the room to catch my breath so I can hold tears back. I've been bottling this up for a long time now and I dread what it will be like to let it all out.

Last month, I went to see my parents on a Monday night, things were not good. I felt like I was around death. I left in rough shape. I wanted to surprise them that weekend by bringing my baby and dog to see them. As it got closer to the weekend, my pain got worse. It got so bad that I was barely able to make it up the stairs the night before. I didn't go. They never knew this. The physical pain kept me away from dealing with the greater emotional pain that would have come.