Day 11 - I have to make a public confession

It has come home to me very strongly that whilst I absolutely believe in the TMA diagnosis of my restless legs syndrome, and have stopped all the food restrictions and supplements, I still haven't taken the final 2 steps. - Something that has helped my night-time symptoms enormously, has been the use of a RelaxisPad, a vibrating pad that you use for 30 mins on going to bed, which prevents the RLS coming on and which stopped me needing to take any of the heavy duty drugs. When I go away for a night, I take one of the drugs with me, as it is not always possible to use the pad. So....... even though "I believe" in TMS, I still use the pad through fear that the RLS hasn't gone yet/ I havent worked through the programme far enough, and as it is a preventative, I cant tell! Also, last night I went away and took one of the drugs, again through fear that I would have a horrible night and no sleep due to RLS. I now REALLY realise the fear issue that is talked about so much. I don't have the courage yet to finally stop everything, and feel ashamed of myself for not doing so

 

Archie, it's okay, you're okay. I'm learning how much TMS thrives on our fears and shame and self-criticism. In that way, we can't let it control us so try not to be so hard on yourself. This whole process is one of baby steps. Long term healing and change doesn't ever happen overnight and I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason- every step forward (and backward!) has a reason in the grand scheme. I'm learning how everyone has "scripts". We have mechanisms/ways for dealing with things that we learned at one point in time, probably a lot of us created these scripts when we were little. I had this distinct memory of myself as a child the other day, I was decorating my homemade birthday cake (as I used to every year as a child) I had put tiny pony toys all over the cake and covered it with sprinkles and made this perfectly messy, creative, fun, little cake that my child self adored. My mom came in and berated me for making a mess and ruining the cake. She kept saying "Use your head! What is the matter with you!? Use your head!" Today I find that when I have a failure or make a mistake, I now catch myself harshly criticizing myself saying "What was I thinking? What is the matter with me? What a stupid mistake, what a mess you've made." This is a script I learned a long time ago that I still use to this day! I think one of the keys to overcoming these scripts, these fears and shame and distorted ideas about our selves is to first acknowledge them, then explore them, and when you're ready, tell them that you don't need them anymore and that you're going to write new scripts for yourself. Perhaps when you start to go down the path of worrying and fear that the RLS is going to cause you to have a horrible, sleepless night try writing yourself a new script. Maybe things like "I know what this RLS actually is and it's not going to control or manipulate me through fear... I am going to have a WONDERFUL nights sleep and I will feel at peace and totally rested... I am not afraid, I am confident and I am more powerful than this condition" etc. Don't let the old scripts hold you hostage, but if you're not ready to tackle them just yet, it's okay! You will be someday

 

Hi EllieBoo22, thankyou so much for your comments on my post, it has made a tremendous difference to my feelings of failure! I guess I (we) are so geared towards getting it all right, straightaway, that anything less feels completely unacceptable. I was very comforted by your words, thankyou again.