Day 11 Day 11

What's Fred Amir's theory of punishing and rewarding the unconscious mind? Must look this up!

For some reason this morning my mind has gotten a little pain obsessed which is weird. I don't consciously wake up and think "PAIN" but this morning I woke up and immediately thought about it. Then it was this battle in my head, 'stop thinking about it', 'you're only making it worse', 'emotions. emotions. My body is fine. emotions.' Lol. It's funny to me, typing it out, but it doesn't feel so funny in the moment. My body is definitely aching today.

I read something on another link from the forum about not being able to hurt myself, which makes a lot of sense to me. Intellectually I know this but the way it was worded was helpful. To answer today's question to ponder, I haven't done any physical activity. I started a new full time job two weeks ago and have come home mostly exhausted. I haven't worked FT in years. I noticed though how much pressure I am putting on myself to prove that I was a good hire. And I am trying to start my own business, so I also noticed that I come home from work and spend a couple (more) hours on the computer trying to feel like i've done something there for the day. It's like I can't stop or give myself a break. And I think about this Wiki and I get exhausted because I have to do this and I have to do that and I really want to commit to this program. I think I need to find a way to just give myself a darn break.

The question to ponder from Day 10 (I just read it) made my heart stir. Someone I hide my emotions from, and what is preventing me from telling them how I feel? Yikes. There's two people that come to mind there - my Dad and my Ex. My Ex it's appropriate to discuss those emotions else ware until I know what is worth reporting out. No need to confuse the both of us. But my dad. Scarrry! I live with him right now, which makes it even worse. When I moved in with him my symptoms were just really beginning (because i'd just had the break up) but they all came crashing down on me while I have been living here with him. It brought up SO much, having to look that pained and weak in front of him, when all I want to do is show him I'm an adult and I can take care of myself. I don't need you! But I actually do right now, and have. Why is that so hard for me to surrender to? And the more he has reverted back to playing "dad" vs. playing adults together in a house, the more i've resented living here. He loves to cook and he loves to eat together and I hate it. It feels so ritualistic of my childhood, and I also don't like the conversations we have. They're not horrible, but he's a complainer. We don't agree on a lot of life views, so sitting down one-on-one for the 20 mins it takes to chow down our food is like 20 mins of me in hyper awareness mode, wondering what's going to come out of his mouth and how to not react to it. I feel so guilty not eating with him though when he cooks me food. AND I haven't been employed, so to refuse a free meal when I can barely buy groceries. Let's just say i'm between a rock and a hard place, and I probably do need to find a way to talk to him about it. Not a finger pointing talk. Just a "can we only eat together once a week" talk or something. Wow, I didn't really acknowledge it until writing this, but that's definitely a source of anxiety/anger/pain. Thanks for letting me get it out. I'm feeling anxious right now writing it, but that's good - i'm doing the work.

 

This is a great post of journaling hne913. You laid it out like it was easy but I know it wasn't. This is what it takes to heal though and you are doing great. Always feel those emotions you said you were having ok. Cause the more you feel them without judgement or critical thoughts and not trying to run from them -- Well the more you be able to release them, cause when you face them they have no where to go but out.
Thanks again, AWESOME