Day 12 - Kristina

Question To Ponder
What is one of your best memories from your childhood?

This is probably an indication that I am dealing with TMS, but I have very few childhood memories. Many of them are bad, and the memories I do have are very vague or foggy. I sort of remember, but there are a lot of holes and it's difficult for me to remember the feelings around it.

For example, I grew up in Germany and when I was 10 years old, my dad's company transferred him to Dallas, TX. So my parents, my brother, and I all left. I remember walking out of the airport when we arrived in Dallas and how oppressive the heat and humidity felt and that is it. I don't remember saying good-bye to my friends, my grandparents, and my dog in Germany. I don't remember the flight, anything after arriving there, etc. I feel that I should remember more details from something so significant at age 10. Maybe not?

It's the same thing with happy memories. My mom, my brother, and I ended up going back to Germany and so started many years of my mom spending part of the year with my dad, and part of the year with me and my brother. We lived with my grandparents (my mom's parents). I have always loved horses and wanted a horse badly when I was a child, but that's not exactly cheap in Germany and we didn't have a ton of money. One summer, I was probably 12 to 14 years old, when we went to visit my dad in the US he had bought a horse for me. I know I was excited, but I don't actually remember walking to the back yard, seeing the horse, the excitement I felt, or anything about that moment. Again, I feel I was old enough that I should have memories of something so significant and joyful.

All that to say, I don't have a true happy memory of my childhood. The one above about the horse is the best I can come up with.

 

Hi again. You had a major upheaval in your girlhood, having had to leave Germany and go to Dallas. Just having to leave my dog behind would have given me anxt. Then returning to Germany added to your location problems. I grew up with my parents moving almost every year. Then they divorced when I was seven. It all left me with feelings of insecurity. You may have repressed feelings about your own childhood situation. You don't have to dredge up your feelings about it all... it is enough to accept that you had them. I suggest you now journal about other times in your life that may cause repressed emotions. Your subconscious wants to know about them, then it will make any pain go away. Have you had any recent traumatic experience that may have triggered something in your
past?

 

Hi Walt,

I went through a lot in 2015 and 2016. I had pain in 2015 and many health issues. My husband and I had moved to our current city in 2014. We had been renting a house but had to move out because the owner wanted to move back into the house. We had a hard time finding a house to buy. We ended up living with friends who took us and our two dogs in. One of them was senile and couldn't distinguish between inside and outside. It was stressful. We lived with them for one month and during that time we had to have the older dog put down because she was in such bad shape/pain/etc. Then we moved into a vacation rental - that was Sep 2015. While we were still in the vacation rental, and finally proceeding with the purchase of a house, my mom was taken to the hospital in Germany. She had pneumonia, COPD, and a spot on her lung. We talked every day but only a few seconds because she was so hoarse she could barely speak.

October 3rd we moved into our house and on October 5th I flew to Germany. That day, when my husband came back from taking me to the hospital, the water back up in our dishwasher due to a block in our drain and it flooded the kitchen and basement. I spent 6 weeks in Germany and while I was there the back pain went away. I thought it was because I finally got my mag levels up (they had been low) and because I got on adrenal cortex extract for adrenal support. I was on a ton of meds and supplements back then. Mom spent 5 weeks in the hospital and I sat with her every day from early morning until evening. One week I slept at the hospital because she had had a panic attack about being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She wanted me to keep sleeping at the hospital but I was just so tired. The nurses encouraged me to sleep at home (my brother's house) because I needed rest but there is a lot of guilt now that I didn't stay at the hospital with her. I feel selfish knowing how scared she was. She was released from the hospital and I spent 1 week at her house taking care of her.

I flew home after 6 weeks - more guilt. I came back on December 15 after being home 4 weeks. My husband joined us on December 23rd. My mom was declining. My husband left January first and she passed away January 4th. I flew home February 7th and went back to Germany in May to settle her estate. My brother and I sold the home that we had moved into when I was 6 years old (I am 51 now).

There are so many things I regret - all the anger I had when she was sick (she was not willing to talk about the fact that she was dying, she expected me to do everything - cook, clean, bathe her, do the laundry, stay up late with her, get up early, etc.), not hugging her more, not holding her hand more, the few times I was harsh with her, feeling selfish for going home those 4 weeks and more.

I got home May 23rd last year and on May 30th, feeling much better health wise, I went to walk my dog. Five minutes from our house a guy was in his garage with his dog not leashed. The dog saw us and ran up on us. He is friendly but mine is not when he is on the leash. In an effort to keep them apart I got bitten in the stomach, left index finger, and right middle finger by my dog. I ended up at the ER. That was a Monday. That Friday I had surgery to repair two torn tendons in my middle finger. The family who owns the dog never offered to pay anything and we ended up with a $2,500 hospital and surgery bill. I wore a full hand splint for 6 weeks and I am right handed. I couldn't clean, cook, etc. I needed help with so many things. Physical therapy was horribly painful.

So there was A LOT going on in a short period of time and it was sometime in June last year that the back pain, which had been completely gone for months, was slowly coming back. I thought it was magnesium deficiency again but my levels were fine so I started looking at hormones, supplements I was taking that may cause issues, structural issues, and more. What I haven't figured out is what this may have triggered from my past except that my dad also died of lung cancer in 1997, but I don't recall the onset of any major health issues back then. I was deep into anorexia and bulimia when my dad died and that's how I dealt with his death.

 

Very interesting. Thanks for the explanation. You've been through a lot. It's what Steve Ozanich calls "A perfect storm" for TMS symptoms. You're doing a great job of journaling (I consider your post a form of journaling.) Keep up your belief in TMS and you are going to a happy and healthy person.

 

Thank you.