Day 13: What helped and dealing with fear

This testimony really helped me. In fact, after reading it, I was so angry I shouted at my brain for a good 20 minutes. I was told that pain in my knee was due to my overpronated feet, and slowly I was coming over that- then I was told that pain in my knee was due to my toe being injured therefore it changed my gait, and I read another testimony (not this one) of someone who had very serious foot issues, and as I continued to read, the knee was never mentioned. So reading this success story made me so angry. SO VERY MAD. I thought that expressing the anger would make the pain go away, but it didn't. I did do something strange though- you know the toe that's been bothering me? I stamped it on the cold hard ground in the bathroom, a number of times. Didn't change the pain at all- not even the next day.

Other thing I've noticed- okay, so now that I am confronting all my feelings, I have so much fear about the symptoms. See, the pain in my toe feels like I'm standing on a pebble when barefoot. It is nothing like what it used to be- sometimes I even think I hallucinated how bad it was. But i found that when I was cooking the day before yesterday, and i just allowed my foot to relax into the ground, I would feel pain in my toe as I would. And it sucked. And I felt fear. Then I realized that I hold my foot up without meaning to- like my body is always in that kind of state. So I tell my foot, relax, just let go, it does, and then a few minutes later I'm standing like I'm slightly avoiding my big toe. It was frustrating.

Anyway, today was a big day. I went running without my orthotics. My toe hurt a little then it stopped hurting. I don't know why I keep doubting my own experience of the symptoms. When the pain goes away or becomes more mild I think 'maybe it was always this way'. Does that make sense? So when I was cooking and let my foot just relax more into my big toe, I'd think, 'ow'. Today, I do the same thing, the pain isn't as bad. I start thinking, maybe it wasn't that bad yesterday and I overreacted. Maybe it's always felt that way.

Anyway, the fear reaction to the pain in my toe has been hard to deal with. Today I just started quoting bible verses, because I realized it wasn't the toe but the fear around it. I find odd things like when I wake up I find that my body is tensed up nowadays, my neck is hurting more, in general my body is just aching more- even my back muscles. I thought I was imagining it, but no, I feel more tense. My tongue is always cleaved to the roof of my mouth, which I know is a sense of tension for me.

And then sometimes I don't want to think psychologically- if that makes sense. I don't want to think about what makes me afraid. I had an experience this year that lasted 5 months and I remember telling my PT when I used to do PT, that during 5 days when I left that situation, I didn't have any knee pain. I blamed it on the floor of that new place, not seeing a connection between that horrific living situation and the knee pain that got worse when I was there. And now, when I try thinking about the person, I don't want to. I mean, I emotionally processed when I was there, a lot, journalling and crying all the time. But when it ended I don't want to remember. But looking back it was also triggering for me for my childhood.

Anyway, that's it for me. The fear response to the pain in my toe has been hard, now that I've graduated from walking in my slippers to barefoot (a huge step up from always being in shoes). My brain is still convinced I am hurt in that area of my body, I'm struggling to convince it that we are okay, I ran today in minimalist shoes, did not do any damage other than a little achiness which even as it came on as I ran, subsided, and then I doubted if I even felt it in the first place, and my whole body feels more achy in general these days.

Right, here's the testimony

Hi Susan,

I hope you don't mind if I answer this. I am the queen of foot pain and can tell you first hand that you don't need the orthotics! I went through the getting rid of them process, plus much, much more.

I had foot pain for 2 years that was blamed on flat feet and over pronation. I had many different pairs of orthotics throughout that time. 3 different custom ones! I would go to a new podiatrist, they would look at my old orthotics and say, "who made these? these are no good, you need a new pair!" For $300. haha.

They all seemed to help- a little. Or for a little bit. But I still had activity limiting pain. SO, I had surgery to insert "screw" like devices into my ankles. These acted like an internal orthotic and stopped the overpronation from the inside. Well, guess what. I still had the same pain. And still wore my orthotics as well!

So, I had external and internal orthotics. Stumbled upon tms in september. Shortly after I was brave enough and my pain had lessened enough to ditch the orthotics. Four weeks ago I had surgery to remove the stupid screws. I did not even think about putting the orthotics back in my shoes.

So, four weeks after surgery I am orthotic-less, inside and out. I still have flat feet and overpronate. I was able to work a 13-hour day last week, mostly on my feet. I am back up to running about 2.5 miles. I also started running in "minimalist" shoes, without any cushioning, arch support, or pronation control.

I do still have some pain... but it is obviously tms as it comes on when I am stressed. And I am no longer limited or scared of it. I am about 90% better than I was this time last year when I was wearing my orthotics and hardly doing any activity.

So, I hope that account helps you! It will be a personal decision whether you lose the orthotics or not, but I would venture to say you don't need them. I have far from perfect feet and I let mine go.