Day 14 Day 14 - I am healing but currently feel soooo angry

but currently feel soooo angry

It's been a while since I've been here. Right at the moment I am feeling incredibly angry. Raging. It is pretty trivial, really, but the anger is still pulsing through me.

The emotions I feel are, I want to cry, scream, rage.

I am realizing that I get messed up very easily. I have plans to do X for instance, then something/someone/etc comes up and I can not deal with that. I do not relax over these kinds of things either. One of the reasons is that I am completely disorganized so when I finally get myself to be doing something, anything, I am on that path. DO NOT GET IN MY WAY.

Of course things, people, situations do get in my way, it really messes me up, I am lying on the couch trying to relax right now and calm down.

Positive: at least I told my husband I was angry at him but in a controlled way.

Negative: the dirty nasty emotions I am feeling, not literally of course but they are strong, they are real.

Positive: telling him I am angry at him is probably a really good thing for me. I think I am afraid of telling him things for fear I might lose him, even if that is unfounded but it still affects me greatly. I ...

I just had an online convo with my husband about all of this. In a way, this whole thing is great. I see that I am wound tightly because if I wasn't, I feel I'd fall apart. I am not angry anymore.

Positive, and on a different note
I am working harder on my TMS.

I am dancing daily, counting cals on http://www.myfitnesspal.com

I took "before" horrendous pix of self.

I have lost 2 lbs in 2 days.

I feel I'm on the right path.

I love dancing to Just Dance 2014 & Zumba World Party on the Xbox One.

 

Noticing the left foot feels pretty stiff...TMS...

 

Thanks for sharing where you are in your journey. It's good to use this forum to vent and report as you did. I know that the "dirty nasty emotions" are not pleasant to experience but they are a normal part of being human. Just as we have "dirty" byproducts of our physical bodies, I think we have the equivalent byproducts of our psychological processes. And just as with our physical existence, we have to manage and dispose of waste, so too with emotions. It's normal and just needs to be handled in a way that minimizes unintended consequences.

Perhaps you already do this but try to journal the anger.
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/How_do_I_journal?
It gives you an outlet for it that is not destructive - you can say anything there. It gives you a mechanism to sort it through and identify the source (s). Also, you might get a peek into what is behind the anger (e.g. fear?).

If you are too upset to build sentences and paragraphs for your anger, try the spider/cluster writing method. It's wonderful because the thoughts and ideas can just flow and come out quickly and uncensored by the conscious. (I love it as a technique for organizing your thoughts about writing most anything, actually.)

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/How_do_I_journal?#Cluster_.2F_Spider_Writing

Anyway, once the anger is released to paper and you are calm and clear about what you want, then it is easier to raise issues in your relationships in a constructive way (not blaming) and get positive changes in your relationships.

If you just cannot release your anger through writing, I know there are other methods for anger release that are "safe" in that they are not directed toward anyone. Perhaps there is information somewhere on this website that has more information on this.

You are making great progress and working hard to make changes in your life. Remember to be very kind to YOURSELF! Let the process flow - you'll get there.

 

I have a terrible fear of rejection so if I am just perfect and make sure I don't disappoint then I won't be rejected.

I use a plastic bat on a rolled up pillow to "get out" my anger then scream and yell or use an old dish towel for wacking. Whew.....I feel so much better.