Day 15: A shocking letter to myself

Hi all, *self harm trigger words here!*

The question for today was is the pain moving around- yes and no. It persists in my knee and I find myself constantly worrying about my toe, even though it feels fine. I keep doubting, and fearing and it’s annoying. Sometimes I do get pain in other parts of my body but it only lasts a few seconds because I’m like ‘ugh TMS whatever.’ In fact when my left knee starts hurting I start cheering and clapping inside. Also, my back hurts more- I think i talked about this.

But the right knee and fears of the right toe persist and sometimes I get really depressed because I’m annoyed and tired of them. Also because I’m not complaining about my symptoms anymore so it does feel like I’m suffering in silence when in pain.

As for the surprising letter to myself, I had a dialogue with my toe and knee. They told me that they loved me, and that though I hated them they were doing the best they could for me to help protect me. They told me that they didn’t trust that I could handle my emotions, if the pain left me alone and they reminded me that the last time my back pain started was around a time that I was contemplating suicide. They told me that they did what they could to distract me, and were doing that now again to help me.

They said they didn’t mean to frustrate me but they felt like they had no choice. They also told me that all the projects I am placing on myself are enraging my inner child, plus the expectation to do well on all those projects is enraging. They said that they thought it was impossible for me to be able to meet the tasks of the projects in front of me and also cope with difficult emotions. I asked them what I could do to make them go away and they said that they were helping me cope, so I would need to find better coping tools. They also said that first things first would be to reduce the pressure that’s on me.

I keep doubting that my toe is healed, even though it doesn’t hurt consistently and I actually slammed it into the concrete ground a few days ago in rage at the lie of TMS- but yet I still , and my toe told me that anytime I feel pain in it is because I’m afraid that it isn’t okay. It said it’s the fear that causes the pain. It said when I asked ‘how do I know that you are actuallybokay?’ It said that i was more powerful than it so it asked me ‘you tell me’ then I said, ‘I know you are but the occasional pain makes me doubt’ and that’s when I included the knee and they told me they loved me.

I’ve never thought of that before. That my knee and toe and feet actually love me. They think they are doing right by me. They have always been trying to protect my psyche. And I didn’t know that they were more like my assistants.

I’m in therapy so don’t worry about me in regards to self harm -I’m fine, but I don’t have a TMS therapist yet.

I think I’m going to start meditating to help me cope with all the fear that is coming up and help me in being able to pull my brain away from focusing on my body whichbit isn’t constantly doing 24/7. I also wrote a letter to myself about the pressure I put on myself and need to re-think the gentlest way to move through some of God’s goals manifesting through me.