New Program Day 17 Overcoming Emotional Repression

I recently noticed one of my defence mechanism and attention seeking strategies at the same time that is deeply rooted in the language I use in everyday communication. Even when I joke about things. The overreaction to being excluded out of things, by accident. It was pointed out to me by a friend who also has TMS. The therapist mentioned as well things like justifying other people's behaviour. I did that a lot as a kid whenever my mum left me waiting after school, and it happened every time. Making me feel unimportant to her and every day I would go through 1001 reasons why she could have been late. "Forgetting" about it all the second she showed up and made me happy by giving me attention for a few moments. I also justified the lack of attention by saying to myself: you are an over needy child, no wonder they don't want to spoil you even more, you would become impossible. Nowadays it is hard for my brain to distinguish when there is an actual reason for someone to be late or me using this strategy so I don't feel abandoned. Also, whenever I feel needy, I feel bad, like a child that shouldn't be like this. Well that's the way I am. Needy and insecure.

 

Hi, Don'tStopBelieving. I think most of us experience feelings of not being wanted when people are late in arriving at appointments with us. I wouldn't take it personal. Everyone is so busy these days, and wrapped up in themselves and their own lives. I hate late-comers, too, but spend the time by practicing deep breathing and wait as patiently as I can. I try not to take the inconsideration personal, even when I've stood on street corners for half an hour waiting, or if guests are late coming for a dinner I've prepared but they don't phone me how late they will be. I may not give those laties a second chance. You may feel needy and insecure, but others are just plain inconsiderate. I think that is worse.

 

Until reading this entry I had not thought of a friend I had as a teenager, (and still have as a friend now) who was consistently late, very late, for most of our planned outings. l was angry but never showed my iret to her or told her of of my irritation. Now, knowing her these many, many years later I understand a lot of what makes/made her tic, and a little of the 'whys' of what it was that made her so consistently inconsiderate. I wish I had been more bold, or at least diplomatic in my younger years to have addressed this then, but my stuff was already in place, meaning my own family of origin had not given me the tools for this, and furthermore, I 'should be grateful the attention I do get!" I can speak up now and actually find that I do not hang around people that are like this now. Guess I live and learn. (PS my friend grew into a very considerate woman, in spite of her own stuff)
Lainey

 

Hi Walt, your reply made me laugh: "I may not give those laties a second chance. You may feel needy and insecure, but others are just plain inconsiderate. I think that is worse." I'm exactly the same.
I don't take it personally anymore, I've come that far but understanding what caused it helped me. Of course, there are those odd days when I'm just generally in a bad mood and it is much harder to control my thoughts and not take it personally. The primitive part of my brain doesn't care, it just gets annoyed and scared it is the same situation again. I understand now it just takes time for the brain to learn new neural pathways. And it is getting better, I also decided TMS therapy has to happen for me because I feel stuck.

 

The fact that you said: I wish I have been more bold... That's the self-criticism that I'm trying to change as well because it is rooted deep down in my way of being since very little, beating myself up as I was guilty that she was late, god knows why, and whenever my mum was late, I would not say a word because I was afraid of her reaction (avoiding confrontation). So these days I'm trying to face people, not when being late a few minutes but if they don't let me know after I'm being waiting for a long time or in cases when I would normally not say a thing and not stand up for myself. I don't attack, I ask what happened. I don't do it for them but for myself if that makes sense and obviously, there are situations when I still don't have the courage. When I do, sometimes I develop symptoms so strong it is ridiculous. But little by little maybe I will manage to win the fear completely.

 

Be kind to yourself. Asking what happened is a good lead-in to a conversation about how it is for you when you have to wait. That may be all that is needed. It can be difficult to find our voice when we have lived so long without it. I once had a wise man tell me that the seat of rage is because the rageful person never learned or was NEVER allowed to use his voice. TMS is taking the place of the rage. I believe though that when we recognize this, the rage and the TMS can be overcome. You are already a step ahead, knowing what triggers your pain. TMS is protecting you from your rage, but once you understand this you can use your real voice to make yourself seen and heard. Your symptoms are probably increasing at these times because your brain knows you are on the cusp of change. Hang in there.