Day 19 Day 19

My personality traits of being a goodist and perfectionist make me feel hopeless and wrong and I feel as if I am betraying myself all the time. I feel I always have to do good things for others to make up for that I am basically a bad person. Whatever I do is never quite good enough. Sometimes in conversations with others I notice that I say things just to please the other person in order to get approval. I often do things for my husband in order not to be critisised which I hate because it hurts. Afterwards I feel like a fake and sad that I am so approval seeking at my age. I think other people can see through me and know when whatever I say does not come from my heart and they won't respect me.
My perfectionisme keeps pushing me around all day. I am having problems concentrating on one task as I am always thinking of the next thing that needs to be done. My inner bully is never satisfied and there is always that nagging feeling that I should do better.
I realise that all of this stems from my parents never showing approval and me always feeling wrong somehow. I know I have to love myself but this will take a long time to turn around.

Anything that makes me proud since starting the program?
I am in a better place than one year ago and I have gained insight in many things. On rare days I
manage to show my feelings without being angry or sad. I stay calm and manage to think "I don't care what you think of me. It is going to be the way I want it" without feeling selfish. This is great progress for me. I wish there were more days when I could just drop being a people pleaser but at least I am aware of when I am doing it.

 

Hi Sybilla,
First, I'm giving you a huge virtual hug. Now, I'm giving you another one (and as many more as you want).

Now that I've done that...boy, did this hit close to home. Never being good enough? Living it. Feeling like I have to do good things/be perfect to make up for my inherent badness? So been there. Saying and doing things to get approval and avoid confrontation or criticism? Constantly. And I hate every minute of it. I think the worst part is feeling like you just can't win -- I will be agreeable to avoid any conflict or confrontation, and then I'll hate myself for it because I see myself as being fake. I'll try to be the perfect person, but perfection is an impossible concept (really, what is "perfect") so I am always setting myself up for failure. For me, the conflict between my behavior or actions and all those negative and judgmental thoughts I have about said behaviors/actions is sometimes worse than the lack of self-love. Simply put, it just sucks.

That being said, Sybilla, there is good news: you are here. You are taking the steps you need to take to take care of yourself -- posting on the forum, working through the SEP, and expressing your feelings in a productive and calm way. You clearly have a lot of awareness around what drives your perfectionism and goodism, and what triggers your inner bully. You've identified a part of your childhood that perhaps started all this, which you can use to start to move forward. Most importantly -- and you even said it yourself -- you know you have to love yourself. It's OK if it takes a while. Change like that doesn't just happen. I've been working on loving myself for years. I'm surprised when someone thinks I'm smart, or worth being friends with if it's not very convenient (like a long-distance friendship), etc. I'm scared that loving myself means being selfish or self-centered. (Of course if someone echoed that statement to me about themselves. I'd think they were crazy - self-love is totally different than self-centeredness. I just have difficulty internalizing that.) My point is, loving yourself may not something that will just happen. So please, don't beat yourself up over how long it takes. The fact that you know it's important, that you know you deserve it, is a wonderful wonderful realization in itself. Be proud of yourself. You have much to be proud of

 

sybilla)- My personality traits of being a goodist and perfectionist make me feel hopeless and wrong and I feel as if I am betraying myself all the time. I feel I always have to do good things for others to make up for that I am basically a bad person. Whatever I do is never quite good enough. Sometimes in conversations with others I notice that I say things just to please the other person in order to get approval. I often do things for my husband in order not to be critisised which I hate because it hurts. Afterwards I feel like a fake and sad that I am so approval seeking at my age. I think other people can see through me and know when whatever I say does not come from my heart and they won't respect me.

Eric)- Hello , nice to know your here. I know you are trying to get a handle on all the things Goodist traits set us up for, the good news is your with
a whole forum of goodist.
Were all trying to understand why do I always feel like I have to get so much done, and how will they do if I don't do it for them-
or I know I didn't do that good enough.
Its all in how you look at it, you really have a powerful personality trait and it makes sure you keep everything in between the lines.
It helps us to be recognized by other folks that need a shoulder to lean on ya know.
Sometimes the problem is that shoulder gets tired and we try even harder till we wind up in pain or with anxiety.
The cure well you know its Getting your joy back, hum - so how is that done? One day at a time, practice doing things just for you for a while.
I mean just a little at a time take some me time and just relax, take a walk in nature and enjoy the sounds of the birds.
Notice the sunshine as it hits your skin and enjoy all the energy that comes from that warmth.
Go and do something that you've been wanting to do but you haven't done in a long time. Something that makes you feel like a kid again,
and when you do, smile as wide as the summer sky ok. Lighten up on yourself, through letting go of tension we can defeat
tension through meditations and acceptance. I say acceptance in the fact that you'll accept for a day that you can get outside your comfort zone
and you'll thank me for it. See we've become conditioned to be like we are, so we have to expose our self to a relationship with life once again.
And when we do we will start to heal in many, many ways.
Bless you


sybilla)- My perfectionisme keeps pushing me around all day. I am having problems concentrating on one task as I am always thinking of the next thing that needs to be done. My inner bully is never satisfied and there is always that nagging feeling that I should do better.
I realise that all of this stems from my parents never showing approval and me always feeling wrong somehow. I know I have to love myself but this will take a long time to turn around.

Eric)- You can learn to take back control of this perfectionist trait quicker than you think. You can first learn to do one thing at a time on purpose. And when you do
Feel good for yourself that you are going to finish this one thing- see I used to be this same way and it was driving me silly so I read a book
by a Pavlovian Psychologist. His name was Dr. fink- out of the whole book I got 1 thing down for sure- that my will to do lots of things at once was driving me
in the wrong direction. So the next day I got out my time management book and went with it, even though I didn't read the usual 40 books a day. The 1 book I did read was taken with such happiness that I started to apply this to everything id do. Now it has creped back in at times and I always think of going back to that 1 thing at a time rule-
At the end of the day, you'll see- it'll be a great feeling.

sybilla)- Anything that makes me proud since starting the program?
I am in a better place than one year ago and I have gained insight in many things. On rare days I
manage to show my feelings without being angry or sad. I stay calm and manage to think "I don't care what you think of me. It is going to be the way I want it" without feeling selfish. This is great progress for me. I wish there were more days when I could just drop being a people pleaser but at least I am aware of when I am doing it

Eric)- This is a very good move sybilla, your making progress and that counts.
I would suggest Njoys Parts mailing list when you get a chance.
And I want to add that Clare Weekes is also a very special help when in need
of some help for the anxiety.
Also we can learn to say no to the inner bully or self critic ya know.
Check out Alan Gordon's Program when you get a chance ok-
Its the Tms recovery program ok at the top of the page. Although id say take your time though
Don't let that thinking say hey we need to learn all this now. No , tell it in time I will pick
out more tools for my belt so when the time comes I will be back in total control with all the smiles and hugs I can get and give
And on top of that - whose in control now - its you . Take all of this 1 srep at a time and don't rush, slow down on purpose
and enjoy the ride. Do all those things that have always put hope in your heart.
Life will fall back into balance when you fully accept that you fully deserve to happy with all that you do
Bless you

 

Beeca
Thanks a lot for your encouraging reply.
Somehow it makes me feel better when I come across people like you on this excellent forum. People who are struggling with the same issues and thinking the same way, although I don't wish it on anybody. It just makes it feel a bit less lonely.
I have asked myself many times how come my damaging upbringing gave me such a lot to deal with like numerous physical symptoms, fear, anxiety and constant worry. Only very low self worth can make you doubt (like you) whether people find you worthwhile to be with. My childhood was not hell and I am sure that a lot of people went through the same but I guess some people are just stronger and can endure more. Anyway there is no point brooding over that now. I have a "theory" that my inner child just about had enough and I have been pushing my pain in front of me for too many years (hoping it would go away by itself). Now it wants it to be dealt with which I am trying to do. If I don't deal with it NOW I will get really ill.
For me there is a clear connection between low self worth and goodist behaviour. If I had self worth I would not need to be good all the time to prove that I am worth something. Lately I have been successfull in saying "no" a lot more than I used to and
thinking before talking, i.e. asking myself whether I am saying these things because I mean them or because I want to please the person in order for him/her to like me. I can feel it is as if I am embracing my inner child when I am doing it because I am finally giving it attention. I also have to keep telling myself that I have to be selfish to get better and I have not been selfish enough for too long. Maybe I can still build up some sort of foundation which may parent failed to do and I know it will take a looong time.

Thanks again and all the best
Sybilla

 

Thank you Eric for your long post and advice
Yes I guess it is all sorts of small steps that add up like f.eks. doing one thing at a time. Seems a small thing to do but when you are used to rushing about it is difficult slowing down. I notice it sometimes when I am
doing housework where my bully is driving me around all day from one thing to another (sometimes I really think it is my mothers voice) and I really have to learn to talk back to it and not take any notice. I notice when things are not so good I am not able to sit in a chair for long doing nothing - a clear sign that the bully is pushing and forcing myself is not the answer either but acceptance of the state I am in is.
All this insight I would not have had and I would not be in the place I am now without you good people on this wonderful forum.

Thanks again
Sybilla

 

This is so great!! I need to do this more often.

Totally know the feeling. That's what makes this place so wonderful - we're all here to support each other