Day 2 - Anger

So last night I was trying to think of 3 things that make me angry, just like the prompt said. At first I said, "There's nothing that makes me angry; I'm not an angry person." And that's true. People always walk all over me. I don't get mad. I keep it all inside. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry inside. So the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am actually very angry inside.

I am angry that no matter what I do, I cannot please my parents. I mean that. I got a degree from college, but they said it wasn't a high enough degree to make them happy. I got a job, but they said it's not prestigious enough. But it's everything, not just big things. Today I told them I was learning Japanese as my new hobby, because it's an interesting language. Immediately Mom says, "What a waste of time. You should be learning something useful, like Chinese. You will never use Japanese in your life. You are just a big waste."

It's been things like this my entire life. When I was young, I couldn't read children's books or juvenile books like Harry Potter without my parents telling me I was wasting time (if it wasn't classic literature, it was pointless). I felt guilty watching cartoons (I should be doing extra homework). I didn't play with friends (they would never amount to anything, and I should only choose friends that are useful in the future). I was very lonely as a child. I felt like a failure by the time I was 10 years old, and that feeling has never gone away. I am very angry about it. On one hand, my parents were very nice to me - they did not yell or abuse me. But on the other hand, they placed such high expectations on me that everything I do for fun now or without a constructive purpose makes me feel guilty. Now I even feel guilty learning Japanese.

 

Ashcatash,
You have already learned so much about yourself with one exercise. That fear of "not being good enough" no matter what you do runs so deep and is so painful.

 

That's classic TMS. So many of us feel that way when we just start out!

But most of us don't get to the next step of realizing that we actually are angry on the inside, so I hope you feel good about that:

 

Hi and I'm sad to hear your parents comments to you. But the good thing is you are aware of them and are able to feel the anger about such comments. I see things to journal about. Important to remember to end the journaling about these things with something positive--something your loving and compassionate inner voice says--think of something you would say to a child who just told you such things were said by their parents. This way the journaling can end with a "feel good" moment.

You could also be writing them a letter (not to be mailed if you don't want to) expressing how their comments make you feel. It is sad for them to say such things to you, and I have to wonder what things were said to them as children.

Learning Japanese is an extra challenge as you have to learn the figures! I remember learning to write my name in Japanese as a kid as I had a Japanese friend--I still remember how to do that. It was fun, and I think it's cool you're learning it!

You are a worthwhile person deserving of love and happiness!

Hugs for healing!!

 

oh, and you don't have to be an "angry person" to feel anger!