Day 2: Missing dance and beginning

Hi everyone,

OK- In order to start this off, I want to give the diagnosis that I was given in my knee. I know, I know. This is the mindbody space, focusing on the physical is not focusing on the psychological, but the persistent, 'no one has had a worse MRI than me continues to play in my mind' so I just have to write it down, please, for community, guidance, and 'YOu are not special'/

1. Patellofemoral compartment osteoarthritis with mild lateral subluxation of the patella
2. posterior patella chrondal fissure
3. Anterior cruciate ligament ganglion cyst.

Yes, me at 27 years old. The pain started when I was given a walking boot to protect my toe which was injured. I think it was injured.We were doing an exercise in class of landing softly on our toes softly after jumping in the air. I thought that my toe got hurt then but actually. I now think the toe injury was TMS because the knee pain actually started before the toe, and in my diary I said, 'it has spread down to my toes'. One day though my toe was really [ainful to walk on and I removed my shoe and it was twice the size of my other toe.

Toe pain showed:

1. Sesamoiditis of the tibial hallux seismod. The seismod bone is likely fragmented.

Was given a boot. The boot made me have to overstraighten my knee when walking. That was feb 2020. Got knee pain. I remember the pain going away, and then starting up again later. I don't remember the knee pain throughout. But now, the Pain hasn't stopped. Also my knee would start hurting when I started running- the first step in a jog, myears before then- gave up running as a result. That first hit on the pavement would send searing pain up my leg.

Went to live in an extremely stressful living situation. Knee pain worsened. Toe pain sucked at a constant. 7 doctors saw the MRIS. Most said it needed surgery. One doctor ceritified in U.S, Australia, Canada said 'he had never seen anyone with that kind of MRI in my toe recover'.

The entire last year it was mostly my toe, and I wore shoes all year and had to ice my toe daily. I could not walk barefoot. Itw as too painful. Then, I prayed to God who said to hold off on surgert, I commanded my toe and knee to heal, 10 months after the pain started. I watched 'God wants you well' by Andrew Wommack and 'Unlocking the secrets of divine healing' by Tony Myers, and I commanded my toe to heal and then it did.

My toe healed.

Fast forward months later. I can now put weight on my toes. Yep. I can even dance on my tipy toes. My big toe has come so far. But the knee has persisted. In fact, the knee has become worse. The toe sometimes tries to act up but I yell at it- but it does scare me sometimes when it starts up. I am terrified of going back to where I was.

My history with TMS: Gastritis in high school and Irritable bowel syndrome, laryngitis, UTIs in my early twenties, and lo and behold being raised in a family with an alcoholic father- both parents were sort of unstable then he died when I was 10. And I have spent the past 6 years in America (now back in Kenya) in the most stressful experiences of my life. Being black in America is so stressful to someone like me who grew up in Kenya where blackness means nothing.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, due to physicophobia, God told me in prayer to start working out again. I did- push ups, burpees, the whole shabam, but started slow. Running is a little too scary for me to think about right now. So I did it. Toe pain started immediately, knee pain too. It was so scary. In fact my toe looked like it was swelling again.

Did Dr. Schechter say to me PERSONALLY that he has seen multiple people heal from toe pain? Yes. Seismod pain? Yes. Does he think I have TMS? Yes. But he hadn't seen my MRIs when he said that.

Did Jesus say I am healed? Yes. But the pain is so terrifying, SO TERRIFYING, then when confronted with it, I always think, there is NO WAY this is TMS. I am injured, just like the MRIs say. Physical activity IS dangerous.

But i pushed through. I work out three times a week, and slowly went up- because I've read that thats the thing to do. It was scary, but I did. Pain stayed at the same level for weeks. That's good! So I don't get worse, or better. That;s good!

Now last week I pushed it up a notch with dance. I love dance. Dance is one of the most favourite activities for me in the world. But I gave it up. Running I like too but I'm just too scared of running because of my knees and my feet which have been diagnosed as flat, and there's a persistent tenderness (not pain) in the middle of the right arch of my right foot. If I press it, I feel pain, if I don't its imperceptible but when I walk a lot I feel pain in my right arch. This pain I have gotten accustomed to, and sort of accepted that it might never go. I don't know. I used to get a lot of sprains on my left ankle- about 5 in a row over 5 years, and since myr ight foot looks thicker in size, I assumed that the pain in my right arch is due to overbearing weight for years from crutches and what not and caring for my left- so when I walk a lot, I find it hard to question the pain- the pain makes sense structurally. So I don't really question it but I don't worry too much about it. It's just annoying.

So anyway, I danced this past week. Man, my knees have made it clear how they feel about what I did, dancing. Pain has gone up by 50%. Also I'll add that I have a weird trigger with showering. For some strange reason hot showers increase pain. And also, after an acute attack of my knee a few weeks ago, the pain started during the day, not just after the shower. So now it's 24.7 and it used to be just after showeiring.

And yesterday I suddenly got left knee pain and my left hip started hurting and I started to jump for joy because 'this means I'm closer to the end?'

But the right did not subside. So now, in about three hours, I'm going to work out again. Am I scared, yes?

Am I talking too much about the symptoms which is fuelling the TMS because it is working as a distraction? Yes.

Do I not have the basic foundation of TMS in 'It is TMS and nothing is structurally abnormal?' Yes. I think my MRIs are the worst things known to man. I need people with specific knee pain and specific foot pain talk to me. I need to know I am not special.

If I listened to God, am I still wrong in thinking this is structrually abormal? Yes.

Is this conditioning? Am I going through this weird violent cycle of expecting pain in exercise? Yes.

Was I going through a stressful time when the pain started? YES.

I was being bullied at school, depressed in New York city alone, and before the toe pain, the pain had gone into my back. Now, i've healed from TMS back pain so there's no way I would allow it there. So it went away after a few weeks.

Does it make sense that it 'moved' to the site of an injury?

Absolutely.

Do I know how to stop doing this? How to stop worrying? Or expecting pain during physical activity?

No.

Best I do is recite bible verses as I start working out, and the TMS principles as I work out.

Do I need someone to still say, 'those MRI results mean nothing' and 'I have had worse results' and ;You are not special'... You are not the 0.0001% whose cause is actually structural. COOKIE, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. I HAVE HAD WORSE MRIS AND HEALED.

Do I need that? Yes. Yes, absolutely yes.

Am I going throught the general emotion of fear, like in my life, as a person? Yes.

Am I afraid that if I faced my emotions I might kill myself- as I have been close to the edge before? Yes.

Am I afraid of my emotions? Yes.

Do I think I will enter a dark hole i might not be able to come out of? Yes.

Do I have a therapist? Yes.

A TMS therapist? Can't afford one! But my current therapist is trying to help me process my emotions and I am trying to educate her.

Do I find it hard to trust God's Word even though I pray to Him everyday, in bible school, and pray for others and have witnessed multiple miracles in my life? Yes.

Really??

Yes. I don't trust the guy. What if He's lying? What if I am going to get injured? He watched my father die, best friend die, grandmother die, almost homeless in NYC, multiple times food insecure, why would I suddenly trust that God won't let me dangle at the edge? Dangling at the edge of life is not 'I can trust God'. At the end of the day,, can He Really keep me safe? After everything that has happened?

Am I terrified of the pain and not yet fully grasped the concept of outcome independence? Yes.

So where am I at with faith? I mean it is oBVIOUS It is TMS- but somehow the doubt. THE DOUBT AND THE FEAR OF PAIN!!

I'll work out in 3 hours. Scared. Scared! But I'll do it. Decided to pick up dance again this Friday. The pain is freaking me out and without total conviction I don't know how to face dance.

So what am I recovering from, then? Fear. Lack of faith in God. Who I believe in!
Knee pain.
Occasional Toe pain that freaks me out.
Shoulder blade pain that isn't crippling. Maybe like 3/10 pain. More like tightness than pain. And neck pain that feels the same. The kind of pain that you can ignore but if you really tune in, you're like- hmm. I'm not comfortable. When I healed from TMS pain a few years ago in my back- the stabbing pain went away, but the tenderness and tightness remained.

Am I talking too much about pain and less about symptoms?

YES! Yes, I AM. But I am afraid, okay? Pain, is very, very, very scary. Especially for someone like me whose entire career is tied to being a performer. If I never recover I can't have a career. The stakes are so much higher. So I do want to recover, but I am also terrified of injuring myself, in Kenya of all places, where treatment is shoddy. But it isn't like America helped me. In fact, America is where all pain related manifestations of TMS began.