day 2

I think that the hardest part of accepting TMS and banishing the pain is going to be acknowledging that the persona/self-view I have created is NOT working. I like to push myself and try to be perfect but it is hurting me. I think about when my pain started and realize it correlated with a new set of behaviors most of which involved me "putting on a happy face" and always being positive. People always tell me that they enjoy being around me because of my positive outlook. I'm worried that I will go back to being unlikable once I acknowledge the darker sides of my personality.
I hope that this isn't too personal and that I'm not freaking anyone out. I just need an anonymous place to talk about this.

 

I can relate to what you are saying srton. I am finding it difficult to even contemplate not driving myself so hard and not trying to be perfect. Always the most prompt, the most efficient, the least dramatic, the most willing. I'm not sure who I will be without these behaviors, but I do know that this drive is not coming from anything healthy... it's coming from the fear that who I really am is unacceptable.

So I'm just chipping away at it. Little by little I am saying no to things I do not want, and verbalizing things I do want.

At this point I think we are acknowledging our darker sides with the goal of clearing them, releasing them, to get to a lightness of spirit that is genuine, rather than forced.

 

srton you most definitely are in the right place. When you face what you have been hiding then you will learn to love yourself again. When we hide who we are from ourselves by ignoring it over years and years then it just builds into something that we think is horrible and that's an illusion but its truth in your ego.
When you look and see the things that you try to cover up and you face them and feel them for what they are you will gain power and a new found confidence that is eluding you now.
You have much to learn and Marion gave you some great advice too. You have but begun so stay your course and trust me. You will win, your focus on your body will most definitely have to go if you want to get better too ok, the more you think about structural issues the more you will feed the pain or anxiety. Simply learn the steps as you go and as you go you will heal more and more, bless you