Day 20. How do you stop TMS pain when you have to repress your emotions?

Yesterday i spent most of the day in pain during an excruciating day trip. My friend L did not want spend the night for this trip. She would rather spend her vacation time helping her ex husband (who is remarried!) paint a storage unit than spend some fun time with a friend.

So if I wanted to do anything with anybody during my vacation I would have to accept what she wanted to do which was a day trip. L and I went on the day trip yesterday (with me driving over about 150 miles each way) and I can't really say it was fun. I had sciatica all day long and I know it was because I was really mad, frustrated, and sad. It was too far to drive for a day trip. I of course had to drive because all of her cars are either antiques or too old to rely on. I was gone about 12 hours and spent more than half of it driving to pick her up and to savannah and then dropped her off and headed home. That only left a few hours in 96 degree heat and there was too much to do and see.

I thought it would be too much for one day and I was right. At least for me anyway. Probably didn't bother L a bit and she is undoubtedly painting concrete block with the ex today.

I knew I had to hide my frustration and anger. so instead I think I was trying my best to have fun but it was hot and I could not relax because I knew I had a long drive home. And I had sciatica ALL DAY.

The good news is that I knew I should be better today and I am. Just some pain as I am typing all of this. More affirmation that it's TMS. Now HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP WHEN I AM STUCK IN A SITUATION WHERE I HAVE TO PRETEND AND AM FORCED TO REPRESS MY FEELINGS???

 

I wonder if that long day trip with your friend was worth it, for you. I think anyone would feel some body pain in the situation where you had to pretend you were having a good time. Repressing emotions is what causes TMS, so you put yourself through an acid test. And you had to do all the driving! Your friend sounds weird... she shouldn't be spending time helping her ex. They both sound weird. How does his new wife feel about you being around him? I'd find a new friend if I were you.

 

Yes it was definitely a test and it made me realize I do need new friends. It was absolutely not worth it. I got to see what I was missing by not being able to stay longer. My best friend who loves doing alll the same things I do lives on the other side of the state so we get together when we can. We will do it the right way.

I realized that I put myself into that situation because I thought it would be better going than not going. I was wrong. And I realize that I need to pay attention to what my body is telling me.

It's very hard to pin L down to do things so I took what I could get. I won't make that mistake again and I am actively trying to find new friends to do things with.

Her ex husband is married to a Thai woman with kids and doesn't care what he does. She married him for citizenship. He is also basically dying a slow death from transitional cancer and I think L feels guilty for some reason because she divorced him. Whatever. It's not right and just plain weird to spend so much time worrying about your ex husband. She might as well have stayed married to him. All I hear about is stuff about him and her loser son who is almost 40 years old with mental issues and unemployed.

Time for changes in my life.

 

Thanks for the explanation. Your friend and her ex-husband sound like a lot for you to deal with. I'd let them solve their own problems if I were you, and you look like you're making steps in that drection.

 

Hi Cat Lady,

If you are aware of your emotions, then you aren't repressing them. Repressed emotions are outside our conscious awareness. You were suppressing your emotions, which doesn't cause TMS.

I suggest to just keep doing the SEP and you will likely uncover the causes of your TMS.

 

Hi Ellen. Thank you for the response but I am not sure that I agree with you or maybe I don't understand.

When I get angry or upset or am under stress my pain flares up tremendously. I guess I am supressing my emotion because I certainly can't yell at people all the time. This was the situation the other day with my friend. I could not tell her how I felt and therefore I felt pain. Suppress or repress. I don't think it makes much difference for me. They both cause me pain. When I am calm I have a much better chance of dealing the pain. But when I get angry or stressed out at work it's much more difficult.

 

Hi Cat Lady,

Here's a good post from Steve Ozanich which explains it better.

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/tms-healing-mistakes-made.2730/#post-15786 (TMS Healing Mistakes Made)

But you should honor your personal experience. Everyone is different.

wishing you the best........

 

Ellen thanks for that info from Steve O. I think I need to read one of his books or all of them. I think I understand better. I need to find the underlying subconscious emotion. Obviously I knew I was mad and frustrated at the situation with my friend. But why did it upset me so much and make me feel pain? I'm not sure yet but I am pretty sure it all has to do with the emotional trauma and abandonment I endured as a child. Not being validated. Never getting what I wanted. Not that a child should always get what they want but certainly not forced to be a small adult. My childhood stopped when my parents separated and my mom went off the deep end. I witnessed her trying to kill herself on more than one occasion and it has left scars on me.

Situations that put me into lack of control just upset me and cause pain because it triggers the abandonment issue. I am feeling very sad for the first time - to the point where I have tears. I have buried my feelings for so long because nobody wants to hear about it anymore. I could hardly cry when in therapy because I always have to be strong.

Does this sound right?

 

Hi Cat Lady, I have put myself in similar, but not so stressful, situations like you for too many times and realised it is not worth it because I would develop symptoms every single time so I decided to try and find new friends, which helped a lot but also to be honest with them and tell them if I just can't do something they want because it would make me suffer. I know this involves confrontation and it was a really big step for me but I'm feeling so much better. For example I invited a friend to join me for a few days on a 2 weeks holiday in August, but in the last few days I started developing anxiety and guilty feelings with some dizziness and nausea because I waited my whole life for this type of holiday and to be alone, without having to adapt to anyone. Instead of repressing it all and living with the symptoms that already started, I told my friend how I felt. She understood and the second we discussed it my symptoms were gone. Now, this is a lucky situation because my friend understood or at least that is what she said but even if we had an argument, I would have felt better because I didn't bottle it up. I also agree with you that you can actually be aware when you repress an emotion, my TMS therapist made me realise when I was doing it. You can't be aware of them all but the ones that are, at least for me, caused by daily stresses I tend to ignore and repress.

 

Oh, yes! I think you've hit on the underlying issues. You are doing great work. Just hang in there, take it one day at a time, and be very kind to yourself.