Day 20: If I could change one thing about my life

If I could change one thing about my life it would be the degree to which I trust my physical senses and myself, as opposed to the degree in which I trust God. I would want to change where I place my security and strength and have that be God.

How this is significant is because I put a lot of pressure on myself. To achieve things. On the one end is a high standard of perfection. On the other end is this idea of low self worth like I'm not actually good enough. It's a lose lose. On top of that, all my goals are driven by my desires, and benchmarked according to how the world is progressing, and how I'm fairing along with that. Imagine if I actually trusted God? And did not rely on my physical senses?

Well, I would know that I'm healed. I might not see it, but that doesn't change the fact that I am healed. I would be at peace with everything. Including my problems. Because I know that God has a plan for my life and I can relax. I would know that God has a plan to prosper me, so however much money I don't seem to have, I would know He has provided it all. And when I set goals, I would not be doing them alone. I would know that God is with me. So I would be able to do them relaxed. I would know that God is my partner in my labor. So I can relax. I would relax.

When painful things happen, I wouldn't repress them. I would cry to God, actually. I would be okay with painful feelings, and allow myself to feel them, knowing that God in me is strong enough to handle the painful feelings- that I have no reason to be afraid and go off and create symptoms to help myself cope with my avoidance strategies. I would be so.damn.relaxed.

I'd be brainwashed of all the ways in which I was raised, completely set free from thinking the way the world thinks, and move from a place of peace- and whatever my eyes, ears, thoughts, feelings, blah blah, told me- I would take none of them seriously. Because I would know that God is God. That's the one thing I wish I could swap out for my life- this knowledge in an extremely deep subconscious kind of way.