Day 20, I'm back again and what a day today

Hi all,

Started exercise again, as per instructions from God and have been relying on improvement through trusting God's Word and I've actually been improving. I get scared and have no community so He told me to come back here. Have generally been better but avoiding exercise. Last week started and man oh man the pain in my toe. I mean, I was scared that I had injiured myself. My career is as an actor so I can't afford to hurt myself physically, as i will be going to school in September, and so the pain scares me whenever I feel it. I saw Dr. Schechter and he thought I had TMS- He didn't see the images which didn't make me 100% sure, but said I fit all the markers.

Yesterday I continued on with exercise and today going through the most excruciating pain in my right knee. I mean, it feels like my knee is THROBBING. It is excricuatiing. Never gone through this before. I tell myself that maybe I'm close to the finish line because before I got over back pain the day before was the worst pain ever.

But pain is scary. I've been struggling to believe that I am healed; that I have no structural issues, and that even if I did I am healed. The pain scares me. it's terrifying, and I feel like I'm going to be like this forever. I talk to myself before hand, I exercise and tell myself I am safe, I finish and tell myself I am safe, but I'm still very scared and can't somehow calm myself down. Pain is scary.

Also, I notice something weird that happens everytime i shower. Every time I shower, I am more afraid for my leg. I guess because of the heat? I think that the heat will inflamme my muscles or something. So I have pain after showering, and walk with a slight limp. I try talk to myself out of it. Tell myself that it isn't a real trigger, but try as I may, the fear is still very much there, and the obsession about my body continues even though I try train my focus away, it goes back, then I try again, and it goes back.

The predominant emotion I feel towards my symptoms is fear and frustration. So, yeah, associations in pain. That's where I am now. Left toe and left heel healed completely- I guess coz there were no diagnosis. The right toe and right knee got pretty bad MRIs. So trying to believe isn't always easy, especially when I need to do burpees and all that.