Day 24 Day 24-25: Putting too much pressure on myself

I have noticed a theme that when I start to journal and "lean into my feelings" and write about my anger and fears, I start giving myself more anxiety/fear because I feel as if I need to change my entire life all at once, which I know is not the case. Last night I was reading Healing Back Pain and Sarno said something along the lines of "accepting TMS is not about changing who you are or your personality, it's about accepting and acknowledging the emotions that are causing your pain and believing that it is TMS.

This really rung a bell with me. To be completely honest and vulnerable, I think a lot of my fear/anger is stemming from the fact that I am a single guy that is jealous of all of my friends and family friends that are getting engaged, having kids, loving life and being happy with each other. With this, I have been questioning my sexuality a bit and haven't really talked to anyone about it.

I am leaning into this fear/anger/jealousy, but then my mind starts putting this insane amount of pressure on itself.

For example I went from jealousy of others, anger that I don't know what I want in a relationship or partner and fear of being alone and fear of the future/boredom along to this:

- What if I'm straight? Gay? Bi-? Pansexual?
- I know my family is ok with any of these but what if they are not? How am I going to communicate this to them?
- You need to see a therapist to figure this out! Find a therapist!
- You need to get enough sleep!
- You need to journal your feelings!
- You need to meditate!
- Ok practice somatic tracking, lean into these feelings and soothe yourself! It’s just TMS!
- If I am now I am going to have to start over
-! How do I to tell my friends?
- I need to start dating more if I want to figure this out!
- How am I going to date when I am in pain?
- What if I am and everyone starts judging me? My life is going to be so much harder!
- Stop putting so much pressure on yourself, this is what’s causing your TMS!
- PISSED at my parents for never showcasing intimacy in front of us as kids and saying "I love you" or openly expressing emotions
- PISSED at my mom for being judgmental and making everything about herself and how if she can do x, than anyone can do x,
- PISSED my car is acting up and have to deal with it again
- Fearful I'll go to concerts with friends and have pain/pressure
- Fearful I'm going on vacation next week and I won't know how to "relax" without pain

I am realizing ALL of the above is just unnecessary pressure and during the day I am working to change these from what if to so what?

I know this is all TMS because when I wake up with churning in my stomach in the morning I have no head pressure and when I have no anxiety I have head pressure. When I am distracted having fun conversations with others or teaching my class or having fun I have no head pressure.

I am able to just sit and float with the stomach feeling and head pressure and I know it is TMS but I keep putting so much pressure on myself because I am living WAY too far in the future and just need to enjoy things one step at a time.

That being said, I'm still a bit frustrated with the constant fluctuating between the nervous stomach feeling and the head pressure. I also fear being alone by myself (I live alone) because being alone = more time to think.