Day 26 Last time I spoke with my parents...

Today I was asked to think about the last time I spoke with my parents and record how the conversation went.

The last time I spoke with my father was May of 1996. He was on his death bed and it was the last time I saw him. I told him that I was sorry I had not been a better daughter and He responded that, "No, I was the best d**n daughter anyone ever had." He expressed that he should have been a better father. I still regret that I did not pursue more of a relationship with him. He was always there and available and was a sweetheart of a man, but I had no respect for him as he had trouble getting a decent job which made mom the breadwinner. He was an annoyance to me and I pretty much ignored him. Now that I am 65 and a grandparent and have been through life, I see things so much differently. Oh how I wish I could go back and try again with him! There's so much I want to ask him about and learn about.

One of my last conversations with my mother was the night before she had the stroke that killed her. We were talking on the phone and all I did was complain which I know was distressing to her. When she had the stroke, I imagined that my complaining helped cause it! When I saw her in the hospital, she was awake but intubated. She could therefore not speak, but I talked to her. Of course, most of the conversation was about her getting better (which I knew very well was not going to happen) and me trying to comfort her. After the hospital removed the breathing tube, she lived for several more days in a sleep stage, so there was no more conversation. But one of the last days in the hospital, while she was "asleep" I had a very brief but heated argument with another person in the room. Even though apologies were exchanged, I still feel so guilty about doing that in front of my mother. I know that we were all dealing with a lot emotionally at the time, but it was just such a dumb thing to do. I worry that she heard what was going on. So strike two! My mother has been gone now 10 years and I still grieve. I'm not sure whether the grief is for her or guilt on my part. I want to be able to sit down and talk with her and tell her how much I love her. I want to tell her that I know that we butted heads for years, but it was because we were so so SO much alike.

Thus are my two memorable last conversation with my parents. Does one EVER get over the loss of their parents? I don't know. Most days I am OK, but writing this bring back all the emotions. Maybe that's a good thing.

 

One suggestion would be to "speak" to those tormenting thoughts even if you have to say, "Shut Up! I was a good daughter and I am making a conscious decision not to go there anymore!

Guilt... you stop taking up space in my mind!"
That is often very helpful with forgiving others, however most of the time we don't realize we have to forgive ourselves and not let those constantly re-playing regrets get too comfy in our minds.
Wishing you the best....

 

I lost my parents 3 and 6 years ago. I don't think we ever get over it. Of course I have some regrets over those relationships. But I do think that all people who have passed on forgive us for EVERYTHING. They can see that our mortal comments came from a place of fear or anger or whatever for us and can see them for what they were and not take our comments personally. It's us who are holding on to those emotions-they now see everything clearly. Apply the work that we are doing to be kind to our inner child to the person you were during these final conversations with your parents. Maybe this will help to set you free from the guilt surrounding those conversations.

 

Thanks to both of you for these great suggestions.