Day 29 of the STRUCTURED PROGRAM

Part of today's homework was to write an unsent letter to someone who hurt you. I wrote and unsent letter to my mom. My parents were very old school "Spare the rod spoil the child" and I was a great disappointment to them. Angry right out of the chute. Jealous when my brother was born. Terrible in school, always in trouble. So the"spankings" turned into enraged beatings largely from my mother. I think mom intimdated Dad so he had to join in. She constantly reminded what a *****up I was and how I "wouldn't amount to a hill of beans" Her and Dad's unending criticizing of me has left me with a lot of bottled up rage that I'm sure my inner little boy is afraid will come out in a violent way. so this has been much of my work. To comfort an reassure this little kid that it's safe to let these feelings emerge.

 

Hi Jesse,
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I have a lot of issues from childhood too (which wasn't even half as bad as what you went through) and I have found it helpful to think of taking care of my inner child now. That child is still in there but now I know what she needs and can try to create a safer inner world for her.
There's a book called "They Can't Find Anything Wrong" that gets into how childhood trauma contributes to TMS or "stress illness" as the doctor calls it.
Please give yourself a hug and do somthing nice for yourself today.
Veronica

 

Jesse:

Wow. That is a lot to reconcile. My mom didn't spank or beat me, but she was verbally abusive my whole life. I was supposed to be a boy and so she was angry with me the minute I arrived. Thank Goodness I had my dad.

I know the challenge it is to reconcile this abuse, as an adult. But one "a-ha" moment I had was that I realized this is all in the past. I can't change it. It made me who I am. But the key is: I can't change it. I can change ME going forward. I can reconcile it by realizing that *I* am a good person as are you. Your mom's rage was taken out on you. But it had nothing to do with you.

Keep writing about it. In Dr. Shubiner's book, he has you do "free-write dialogs". So you choose someone or an entity and have a dialog. Perhaps you could try this with your mom. You start with a question. Perhaps you could ask her why she was so angry with you? I bet you'll be surprised what comes out.

I know in my case, I did nothing wrong but be born with the wrong plumbing. In your case, I bet your mom had issues that had absolutely nothing to do with you, that made her rage on on you.

And lastly I am so sorry this happened to you Jesse. My heart goes out to you because you are an especially nice person. And keep writing. I'm sure a lot of us here on the forum can help you reassure that little boy - he's safe now.

BG

 

Thank you to all who responded. I'm a little embarrassed at sharing this. I really have to ask myself if I'm exaggerating in any way. But no it really was that bad. My first inclination is to "man up" this is all in the past. My dad really tore into me some years ago when I reminded them of the time my mom dragged me down to the basement and shaved my head ( I was In a band at 14 Beatlemania ya know) I did it jokingly but it hit a nerve with him and instead of apologizing he just really told me to get over it. I am- but by going deep into the feelings, not stuffing them. Beach girl you are a saint. You always seem to be there with some great wisdom Thank you

 

I always think the phrase "get over it" is so invalidating and demeaning. You don't get over it, you move through it. A lot of what you are describing is domestic violence. I trained to be a domestic violence counselor (but I ended up not doing it because it was too intense and triggering for me). We try to normalize our experiences, even horrible ones. I actually think it is worse for men in many ways because there is a greater taboo about men expressing feelings than there is for women.