Day 3 Day 3: Scared.

So I'm on to day three now, and this seems to be where things get hard for me.

I believe I have fully accepted the diagnosis. I have started to reduce my medication with a view to stopping completely as soon as is practicably possible. I have decided not to book any more appointments with doctors / massage therapists etc.

I have started to resume activities I was afraid of doing. With my jaw, this means chewing gum, something which I have not done (except on rare occasions) for years. It did not increase my pain overall, which is reassuring. When I did have pain, I told myself it was the TMS, and that helped. I ran today - which is something I do every Friday, but usually I worry about my jaw hurting afterwards if I have been out in the cold wind and rain. I left for my run in the sunshine, and it started raining whilst I was out. I told myself that the cold would not affect my TMJ, and it is not brought on or exacerbated by the cold, but only by my rage.

All good so far.

Now I am at the point in the programme where I have to note down 3 (only 3, for goodness sake!) past traumatic events and experiences. I don't want to do it.

(and I know that that means I really need to do it).

I can't get over the fear that someone will read the document.

At present I am carrying my journal with me everywhere, as I keep thinking of new things to note down (mainly medical conditions that have no explanation that I am now realising were probably TMS. I am also noting anytime I deliberately try to avoid straining a delicate area (eg this morning when I gingerly removed a shoe because my ankle was hurting - it has been looked at and there is nothing structurally wrong with my ankle).

This means that my journal goes from my lounge room, to my bedroom, to my car, to my office, on errands, and everywhere in between.

I do not worry about my husband reading it, because (and I know this sounds bad, but I swear it isn't) he is just not that interested in stuff I write in it. To him it would be boring blather, not interesting deep dark secrets to pour over! He isn't one for gossip either.

I suppose I worry that I will be in a car accident, and then someone will read it. Or I will accidentally leave it somewhere, and someone trying to return it to its rightful owner will read it.

Is the only solution leaving it at home? I have a lot of free time at work, when I am alone, and I have been using it well to educate myself about TMS, and I feel my journal is necessary for that.

Or can I write in code?

eg. When Z did X when I was in Y.
I would know what I meant, but that doesn't sound as though it will be as theraputic as I will be effectively censoring myself.

Does anyone have any tips for overcoming the fear of putting all this stuff down on paper?

I suppose I could do it on the computer, and password protect it?

 

What I do is write your list in code so i know what it means to remind me what to write about then all I do is after I have written what I need to write I just rip the page out and tear it up and throw it away. A friend of mine who recovered 100% from myofascial pain syndrome aka tms suggested this me to as its part of the process to throw it away like your letting go of the emotions you have written down. Hope this helps?

 

Yep, that's what I do too! I write things on loose paper and then rip it up and throw it away. It's the process of linking the emotions to the pain that is most therapeutic. It doesn't matter how you write it or whether or not you keep it. I think that journaling is a way of demonstrating to your unconscious that you (your conscious brain) is not afraid of looking at these emotions and feeling them. This renders the unconscious brain's strategy of using pain to distract you from looking at and feeling these emotions pointless. But it takes repetition to get the point across.

 

Rich that is a genius idea! Thank you so much. That is exactly what I will do - keep the master list in code, and then write everything out, and then burn it. Open fires are the best for destroying 'evidence' and also for not having to get up and go to the kitchen to throw away your orange peel!

Thanks Ellen. I think it's going to take me a while to demonstrate it to my unconscious brain, but I know I'm in the right place for all the support I will need to get there. Thank you.

 

I agree with your point here Ellen. When I have finished writing my writing is scruffy and unreadable and I think if anyone read it they would think I was crazy. I sometimes just put random one word statements in the middle of sentences (usually swear words). It might look something like this.

"I was at work today and someone upset
me. Im soooo angry right now f**k bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep. They boil my bloody blood etc etc"

sometimes I get thoughts thats hard to describe and put into words so when its on paper it makes no sense to read but in my own mind I know what I mean so I dont think it matters as long as you feel you have got whats in your head down on paper so you feel in a way you have cut and pasted it from your mind to the paper and then dispose of it. I did read that tearing into little pieces is better for the process than burning it. I cant remember why tho if anyone wants to explain that one?