Day 3- Started my Past Traumatic Events/Stress List.

Day 3- Started my Past Traumatic Events/Stress List. Really I could put a lot down but I suck with three because I was just too tired to do more. Throughout the last couple days I have been thinking about things, mostly the things that make me sad/mad come to mind. Not so much from my childhood but instead failures of my own. I am trying not to look at them in a critic/pressure/fear way but it leaks in and I am sad/mad....disappointed, I keep rereading some of the instructive literature from the TMS recovery site and then I relax a little. My pain is in remission but tension builds up in my back and I feel like laying down. Still plugging along and hopeful.

 

It is quite saddening to write these lists (I felt like a real loser needing an extra page!) It causes quite a bit of emotional trauma just remembering stuff and listing it. BUT, it gets better, I promise! Another day you will be wading through the list, journaling like mad about all the stress an event has caused. And you will suddenly feel the release from that particular stress. Some of the things that were really on my mind for years, I hardly even think about now. The act of journaling/unsent letters etc really does work. It is important too, I think, to set some time aside to meditate/be mindful. It is like the stress released in journaling needs the balance of the meditation to put us on an equilibrium.
So keep plugging and hopeful - you will get there!

 

Thanks for the support and advice. I really appreciate it and it helps.

 

Crust,
I had a difficult time during the first few weeks of my TMS journaling. All those issues and painful memories I had been working very hard for years to forget and avoid were now staring at me from the page. But Hecate is exactly right---it gets better and easier along the way. So much of what causes us to repress emotions is the fear of feeling all that sadness, anger, disappointment, etc. I've learned that I can face those memories, feel the emotions associated with them, and then move on. They don't seem so scary anymore and it's so liberating.

 

Great to hear, Ellen and Hecate. Crust, I relate.

As I'm starting to really explore some challenges from childhood, I have been feeling a large amount of pain, sadness, anger, and longing.
It's so interesting to see the ways my mind will try to intervene to STOP me from feeling this pain (fits with the TMS theory!)

"Oh, your dad wasn't that bad. Stop focusing on only the negative. He was working a lot to support you guys..."

I've been encouraging myself to just fully feel these feelings, which is uncomfortable. Sometimes I worry if I'll stay hurt and angry forever, so it's good to hear that it passes once we really focus on it. Whew!

 

I have been using the 'Freedom from Fibromyalgia' book too. They suggest meditating, getting all settled and then meditating on a particular situation when you got really angry. I found it hard at first, but easier with practise. You go through the situation and really feel the anger, then instead of the situation ending as it did (usually by us repressing/holding in the anger) you let your mind change it, you can make up the dialogue, you can win the argument, kick their ass, whatever feels ok to you - so that the situation is resolved and the anger experienced. Then you do just let it go... And bring yourself back to the calm, relaxed state. It feels a little like being a kettle - and blowing off steam! Strange, but satisfying...