Day 3 - trying again

I am trying once more to become free from the chronic pain I have had for over twelve years. My pain came on gradually when I was eighteen during the worst time in my life, and I always thought it was related to a hamstring injury I had. I was able to ignore it for a while - it was never debilitating/can't get out of bed pain - just always a nagging discomfort and feeling of being "off," as well as moderate pain. Sometimes the pain would be more or less. I always felt something was structurally altered in me, though. I have had chronic sciatica on my left side since then. The levels of pain and symptoms vary, but I've never felt it was ever gone. I always felt altered, if that makes sense. Sometimes there is more low back pain, sometimes more gluteal or hip or knee pain, but all in same left leg - burning, pressure, weakness, stabbing, aching, stiffness, etc. There are nerve symptoms, too, which have been the most frightening, and I became very conditioned to fear bending and moving and walking and lying certain ways. I have been so convinced over the years that there is something super structurally wrong with my body. It feels so structural. It always has. I have become very conditioned in many ways.
I have to be honest and say I still have doubts - not sure why. My brain is so so stubborn. But I do have moments of knowing - this is all TMS. My evidence list is long - I have the personality completely - worrier, fear based, anxious, conscientious, people-pleaser, perfectionist; I come from divorce, a narcissistic father, a long line of trauma, my own personal history of alcoholism and eating disorders... but oh, the pain.
I spoke with my friend the other day who does not have TMS but is a TMS therapist here in Los Angeles, and I got honest with her about how much shame I carry from having this chronic pain. Even typing that brings tears to my eyes. I carry extreme guilt and shame about it - I think on some level I think it's my fault. I don't like talking to people about it; I always fear they won't understand or perhaps instill more doubt in me by saying, "whoa sounds like you should see a doctor," etc. I am very insecure in that way.
I have often said that the shame I carry as a person is directly related to the way I feel about the pain - that I am broken beyond repair, abnormal, deformed, maligned, deserve to suffer, a freak, etc. It is harsh, I know. It's just the deep-seated stuff in parts of my psyche. I have done a lot of therapy in my life, including TMS therapy, and I am sober almost 7 years and committed to a path of recovery in 12 step programs. I believe strongly in God, and without that I don't think I could have survived. I don't know why I am such a hard case in terms of getting better. But I have made a decision to commit to this program and to stop the obsessive behavior of Googling symptoms and checking up on and monitoring the pain and other symptoms. I'm also a big poker/prodder of my body. I know I have to let go of this behavior.
I also know I need to open up to my loved ones about this pain syndrome. I know that is a huge piece in seeing that I am still loved despite having this secret and this experience of suffering. I think I have always felt ashamed of having so many "problems."
I appreciate the support - I admit that I am afraid to post too much on here for fear of looking crazy. But I guess that goes with the territory... being vulnerable, being honest - my go to is defensiveness and pretending -everything is fine!
I have recently let more love into my life and am committing to a wonderful man. I have to say that there is something about letting love in that is so healing. It hasn't changed my symptoms necessarily, but it is definitely changing the way I relate to them and how I relate to myself. I think I thought for so long that I had to be healed in every department to ever be lovable or truly available. I am seeing that maybe it might be the other way around.
Thank you to everyone who responds, and I send love and prayers to those who are also suffering. May we all be directed to healing. What a difficult path this can be...

 

Some profound words you have written. Hang in there. There is much support and information to be found in this program...I am on Day 4. I too have found that I am avoiding people in order to avoid talking about the pain because I don't want them to tell me it's structural when I am certain that it is TMS and am struggling to keep my mind from reverting to doubt and fear.

This forum is great because you can be open and honest about your pain without the fear of being told that you are crazy, broken, or anything of that nature. Which you are not, btw. As you can see in this forum, people from all over the world, of all walks of life struggle with TMS. It is a normal part of being human in this day and age, it seems. Try not to beat yourself up about it, as that is part of cycle of pain. Try instead to be kind to yourself. That will help break the cycle of pain. Be kind and gentle and caring with yourself as you go through this program. This is what I am learning too--that we must unlearn to be so hard on ourselves.

Keep posting!

 

[QUOTE="Stephanie71, post: 89666, member: 4542"I think I thought for so long that I had to be healed in every department to ever be lovable or truly available. I am seeing that maybe it might be the other way around.
[/QUOTE]
Very profound insight! Best wishes on your healing journey......

 

Not sure but I think I found this in The Divided Mind under the treatment chapter-

Psychosomatic pain patients often have a troubled history with other medical health professionals They may have been misunderstood due to the fact that their symptoms are often invisible. They have met with significant frustration for themselves as well as the individuals who have tried unsuccessfully to treat them. As often as not they have dropped out, removed themselves from normal social contacts, and/or become more dependent on other, usually family members. The result has been guilt and lowered self-esteem, which in turn serves to increase their psychosomatic symptoms. When patients are finally able to lose their symptoms, they achieve greater self-understanding and deal more effectively with others.