Day 3

Check In
Allright Y'all was swamped with homework yesterday but I'm back today for Day 3.

I had a great workout that felt quite empowering. Did all the calisthenics stuff I loved. Still trying to ease back into pushups (doing them on an incline which I hope to slowly lower to the floor) because they hurt in the past. Got some twinges of anxety in the triceps area but nothing too horrible. Felt great.

5 hours after the workout, I got this stiff soreness in my achilles tendon area. My mind jumped to the worst. I held it back. It was not my usual TMS pain. It didn't start at rest and hurt when I was pushing my leg while walking. However, after dealing with it for a few hours, the TMS started to threaten with some dull aching at rest. I think for the first time in a while I was able to feel actual pain, then TMS pain, then distinguish between the two. I think I went too hard in calf raises/running, so I feel a little stiff and achey.

I am currently seeing a physical therapist and talking to them was really helpful to get a more normal way to look at pain. He just said

"Oh yea maybe back of the calf raises and running for a few days and go a little less hard when you do them next time."

What a healthy way to approach the body's pain signals! I immediately thought I was doomed and was going to have to rewrite my workout plan and give up running for the time being. I think I will probably just stick to biking this weekend but plan to resume on Monday with the calisthenics and running I love. It's funny, I can feel anxiety pooling in my calf. Just in the last few days it has been so helpful to rename the sensations and awareness that my TMS creates in certain areas of my body to be something clearly emotional. It feels much less scary, and much truer to say "I am feeling a lot of anxiety/worry/energy in my calf/elbow/SI joint right now" than pain. I think this especially true for me because I struggled for so long to even describe my sensations as painful.

I am still a little scared about my achilles area, but I feel confident the more I practice referring to my extremely amped up bodily awareness as a manifestation of anxiety, the easier it will become to shrug off the sensations that come with such an awareness.

As for the structured recovery program, here's what I've got

Day 3

Readings
I suppose the main thing I am taking away from these readings is how critical accepting the diagnosis is in removing pain and kinesiophobia. Here, I think my own obsessive research for how to move perfectly and bulletproof my body will be my worst enemy.I know so much about how you can injure yourself. I know what movement patterns, muscular imbalances, etc lead to pain at every spot in the body. Even though my back hasn't hurt in almost a year, I still get scared to feel my lower back round and the motion of touching my toes fills me with anxiety! I think I will need to strike a healthy balance between wanting to move in a healthy and optimal way for high-level athletics, while also not obsessing/worrying about it. I think right now that means doing a lot of exercise I feel safe with (biking, calisthenics) and wading slowly into exercise I am more scared of (yoga, running, maybe even rowing and barbell training)
When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity? What was this activity? How did it make you feel physically and emotionally? If it is has been a while since you last exercised, why?
Haha. See above.

Past traumas
1. Friend comitting suicide in highschool
2. Friends being really depressed and going to rehab at end of junior year of highschool
3. Mental breakdown on impermanence summer after junior year
4. Friend dying during 1st gap year
5. Sibling being institutionalized





Overall, I'm really hopeful. I know we can beat this guys, I'll check up on your posts tomorrow!