Day 30.3

Yesterday i was with my parents during a visit with the Gerontologist. My Father is now having acid reflux problems.

My Mother talked about fatigue. The Doctor asked about depression. She said, yes, but she couldn't talk about it because she would start to cry. I knew she was depressed because I hear every breath she takes, every sigh, every tone in her voice and see every fascial expression. I intentionally had not asked. Before all this Sarno stuff I would have. Then figued out how to fix it.

I didn't want to feel responsible and jump in the fix-it mode and caretaker mode. And the guilt mode and the parent pleaser mode and the perfectionist mode.

The Doctor suggested medication or talking with someone. I decided I am not going to ask Mother what she wants to do. I am going to wait for her to tell me.

I am not going to feel guilty because I had brought up my brother's death and how not grieving has impacted my health. I was so excited because i thought I could finally be fixed. I wanted them to know.

 

I am learning the same things...to be o.k. with people and myself, when they are not o.k. It feels so good to recognize this dynamic in myself and to understand the mechanism that fueled it. For me, fear is what fueled it and the need to micromanage and be perfect so everyone would be o.k. and therefore I wouldn't have to feel their pain or discomfort.

 

I have gotten very good at this-- except when it comes to my kids. I am having a really hard time right now with the youngest, who has been feeling down. While I want to help, I am very aware of the anxiety his feelings create in me. I want him to feel better of course, but mostly I want him to feel better so I am not anxious. Very hard not to go into caretaker mode (he is an adult by the way).

Hugs, Terry

 

We know where our work is... that's a good thing...