Day 4: Doctor's Disheartening Advice

The most disheartening advice I've heard from my doctor is that my pain is caused by my desk job. It felt like I had to choose between being pain-free or working my job. It was even more disheartening when I did eventually quit my job (partly due to pain, partly due to stress) and the pain persisted with no computer use! It was tough during those years that I thought the computer use was causing the pain, because I used to do a lot of unwinding by playing computer games, and I stopped doing this after work because it was just extra computer use that was apparently causing my pain. I bought a sit-stand desk, ergonomic chair, I set timers to do stretches...nothing helped. My whole life shifted and I avoided using the computer whenever possible if it wasn't for work, and then I stopped doing anything that resembled sitting at computer...sitting at a table, watching a movie, etc...because in my mind it felt similar to sitting at a computer. It's sad to look back at the past 10 years of pain and see how basic activities became banned because I thought it was contributing to my pain.

Another disheartening advice, though I guess it was with good intent, is when nothing was helping my back pain and I refused to take pain killers, so my doctor recommended I see a counselor to talk about my mental health (I am diagnosed with anxiety and depression). This was before I really understand TMS or chronic pain, and I felt that I was being called crazy, that I was making up the pain. I remember going to the car and crying, because I had went to the doctor to ask for help and I was told it was all in my head and I needed help she couldn't give me.

While I do think the doctor could have explained things better, I did eventually (not because of my doctor) see a therapist and have been going for a little over two years. It has been incredibly helpful, but I have found through this program that I still have a lot of repressed emotions/experiences that I have refused to talk about with her.

 

It’s sad how much you have suffered. But there is hope, if you can hang in there and do the difficult work. Sooner or later, you’ll have to dig all the way down and heal the most scary repressed emotions. No matter how bad things are, they can be healed. Fight on!