Day 4: Live Review & TMS Personality Traits

Reading material went really quick today, so I thought I'd post a reflection and check in.
Sometimes I have a faint wonder that I didn't "allow myself to be in pain for long enough" to TRULY have TMS.

This more serious spout of back pain started right around Christmas. So it's only been about 1.5 Months. My silly TMS brain is like "babe, if you actually injured yourself it would still be healing! You can't say for sure yet if this is "chronic" because you didn't give it enough time to heal."

And then I say to my brain - Thank you for trying to protect me with all of this "logic" but I don't need this analysis anymore and I am ready to feel. Show me what you got.

Anyways - no need to over talk the physical today.

I'm reviewing my personality traits - of all of them, I most identify as the "goodist". This traces back to early childhood. I always have felt like I was here to make the world a better place.

My siblings and I didn't have much of a choice in how our mother perceived us. No matter what we said, did, how hard we worked or whatever we accomplished - she would laser in on our flaws, exacerbate them, and worry herself to death (literally). I see that now as a form of child abuse - this obsession with our issues over time, had my brothers and I all develop deep reservoirs of shame. I remember how she perceived me when I was a teenager - like I was just an awful terrible person - not even that I did "bad" things (which I did - but partying and lying is normal for a 17 year old girl who just wants to be "popular") - but I felt like I, as a person, was BAD.

And so, building on top of that rocky foundation - I learned over time, that I could earn more approval from her through my goodism. I became hyper independent, extremely kind and unconditional in my relationship with her. Even letting her say cruel things to me with out defending myself because I had "soo much compassion" for her. I knew she wasn't capable of a healthy relationship, so I just let her say whatever cruel things she wanted to me with out defending myself because I saw there was no point.

As time went on, my relationship only got better with her when my art finally became "succesful". Finally - she could look and see what a great person I was! I had finally proven myself.

What I had to invent in order to get there - was the goodist personality trait. My over achieving. My constant proving to the world of how good I am! When really, I just wanted mommy to think I was good.

It all came to a head when she got sick. I dropped my life, moved back to my home state, left my business behind (which ended up closing) and stayed by her side as a caretaker for a year. Nursed her through a liver transplant. Got to the ICU every single day, the moment visiting hours opened. My older brother didn't even show up. My younger brother mentally checked out because it was too traumatic. It was just me and my step dad, every day - taking care of her and keeping her alive. It was terrible.

She didn't end up making it. I don't regret having spent this time there.

My step dad passed away suddenly after that. My brothers were all squabling and crashing and burning, no one noticed that my step dad hadn't returned any of our calls except me. I was the one that discovered his death (No, I didn't find his body thank god - I ordered the wellness visit though). There I am - the only responsible party capable of delivering this news to his family.

Fast forward a few months. I adopt the family dog. I spend a lot of time alone. I go back to my home state for the holidays to clean out my mom & step dads home. My brother attacks me at ever step, makes the process absolutely impossible, and I end up leaving that trip feeling unsuccessful. My step dad never updated the will after my mom passed, so things ended up being mis allocated. The house wasn't cleared out. It was too hard. I had failed.

And then.. My back pain started!
Tedah!
TMS poster child alert!