Day 4 - looking deeply at myself

Today I tried hard to let my thoughts come as they wanted to. I realized that I get stressed very easily and I like things to stay a certain way. I like routine and organization. So in some ways I am a perfectionist. Definitely one of the personality traits. I am also insecure and don't like being with big groups of people I don't know. I can very easily get rattled when things don't go as planned.

I always have to be the strong one in my marriage due to my husbands illness. I can't depend on him for many things so I have to bury how I feel and take care of things. Who takes care of me? I have ALWAYS taken care of everyone else and now I need to focus on me so I can heal.

I think I was actually able to control my pain level a bit today. I tried not to get too upset when I felt pain. I didn't work out or really do anything that is painful. I just needed a break after yesterday.

I started reading Scott Brady's book and am finding it much easier to understand then Sarno's book.

For the first time in a long time I really have hope that I can rid myself of this physical pain by REALLY getting in touch with my emotional pain.

 

It's good that you took a day off from exercise. It looks like being a perfectionist and "goodist" person are strong reasoins for your emotions causing pain. And you are a caretaker for your husband. That's quite a load in itself. I also liked Scott Brady's book.

Dr. Sarno's book Healing Back Pain contains his 12 Daily Reminders. It's good to read them each day and reflect on them. I consider them to be the bedrock of his TMS philosophy. I especially like the extended versions:

Herbie Douglas's Extended Version of Sarno's 12 DAILY REMINDERS

1. The pain is due to TMS. This is real pain or anxiety but its caused by subconscious tensions and triggers, stressors and traits to your reactions and fears and also when at boiling point your conscious tension can and does cause real pain too.
   2) The main reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation. This means that when you are in pain then the the blood is restricted from going to your lower back for instance. The blood being restricted causes oxygen deprivation which causes the pain - remember, where theirs no oxygen then there is pain in the body. Also, The pain stays because of fear and focus to physical organic symptoms and repressions.
   3) TMS is a harmless condition caused by my REPRESSED EMOTIONS so even though you think you can harm yourself from the years of pain you have felt and how you feel in general -- so far no reports have been heard from tms healing knowledge causing damage to anyone, it only helps.
   4) The principle emotion is your repressed ANGER -- this means under your consciousness lies something that happens automatically to everyone. Tmsers have repressions that are stored because of our personality traits,traumas, stressors, fears, strain, etc... When these stored repressions build and build then eventually they cause the brain to send pain into your body to keep you from having an emotional crises. The mind-body thinks its helping you.
   5) TMS exists to DISTRACT your attentions from the emotions, stressors, tensions and strains of your personality traits because if you can get distraction then you wont have to be in emotional turmoil. When you don't face and feel your emotions and they get repressed cause you didn't want to deal with something -- they are just adding up in this beaker, ready to pour over and create real pain and anxiety in your body.
   6) Since my body is perfectly normal, there is nothing to fear. So in reality when I fear the pain or anxiety I just cause myself undo strain and tension adding to the beaker of pain. If I fear then I feed the pain, If I fear Its impossible to recondition. Fear keeps the pain and anxiety alive in the body through focus.
   7) Therefore, physical activity is harmless. If I want to work against the pain I can but its better to lose some of the pain through losing your focus on the body and not fearing the pain. I can start my life over, I don't have to be in pain trying to heal cause I can face the repressions through awareness and journaling.
   8) I am resuming all normal physical activity. I don't fear moving anymore. I believe in my bodies ability to heal now. I can move how I want and my patience in flow will be my power. I will not fear moving anymore. I will also practice going out and acting normal again, not in fear of what pain might do to me.
   9) The pain is unimportant and powerless. Its only power is how it's hidden -- it's illusion, It's fear.
   10) I will keep my attention on the emotional issues. I will think about my emotions and feel my emotions throughout the day. I will not judge, criticize or fear my emotions. I will not run from my emotional issues but face everyone of them. I will feel my emotions fully and cry if I need to. Then I will release the emotion and get my mind and thoughts back to my life and living in the present, in flow.
   11) I am in control of all of this. This is how I recover.
   I will be thinking PSYCHOLOGICALLY AT ALL TIMES. This means I will keep my thoughts on psychological issues like happiness, fear and anger -- traits and triggers, conditioning and journaling. The science behind mind-body/tms healing, etc.... This way I will not feed my thoughts to the body -- that is a trick of TMS.
   12) TMS will always try to get me to focus on the body caused by the pain until I break its show and flair. When I get my attention off physical symptoms and on emotional issues and psychological issues then I will not feed the fear of the physical issues anymore thus making the tms of no effect. This will in return, give us the cure.