Day 42, I'm DONE!

So few days ago I finished the program. It's time for small summary:

1) I'm about 30% less pain from the time I've started the program. Is that a lot? I don't care anymore. I realize that the perfectionistic part of me from before the program would said: "Only 30%?! are you kidding me?! you just lost time, you are so lame, can't do anything right, you can't even do simple program the right way, you are going to be in pain for the rest of your life". But today I'm very happy and proud of myself. 30% is something, look at your hair and imagine them being 30% shorter, look at your height and imaging you are 30% smaller - it significant, noticeable and important. That is much how better I feel today. That was only 40 days, I can’t wait to see my results after weeks, months of year of doing this work. I’ll be completely healed. I know that!

2) I'm going to have my second child in June and before the program I was terrified how I'll take care of my newborn with pain and broken back like that. I was so scared I wasn't even able to show any joy or excitement about having another kid. Today, I know I'll be fine. There is nothing to be scared off and I'll do great, like always. I did great when I got married and few weeks later I moved to USA, country that I only knew form TV, without language skills, family, friends, just married. I was fine when my daughter was born and I brought her home from the hospital, exhausted after long labor and I had no idea how to take care of her, being away from my mom and sisters, without anyone who I trusted or could ask for help except my husband, who I still think, was more scared then I was. We raise beautiful, healthy girl that I just can't have enough. I love her so much. I was terrified when I went back to school, study in second language, got the knowledge about difficult new field and three years later I graduated with associate degree and highest GPA of all the students in the program.
People without extremities and with other major difficulties raise beautiful and happy kids. I know I'll be fine even if the back pain is still there. It'll be hard...I know...but I'm not scared anymore. I'm strong, my body is capable of much more than this. And I'll love this little boy like nothing in this world.

3) Life is going on, no matter if I'm in pain or not. Days goes by and it's my choice if I'll give a shit about this or not. So stop looking at the pain, look at the world around you and smile to the people.

4) I need to stop and reject all the judgement and criticism that I have in my head. Not only about myself but especially about other people. Life is not a competition.

I could go on and on with the list that I have in my head. This program opened my eyes for so many things that I wasn't even aware of. I realize so many facts when journaling. It's very powerful tool and I know how to use it to recognize my stresses, fears, and heal myself.

Just one more thing - I met today one of my very good friend. She is a young mom and last week she came back to work after maternity leave. When we met today she was in severe pain - her back was in spasm, she said that she hurt herself while lifting her son this morning. She was in so much pain that she had to be on the floor most of the time. She was telling me how hard her life is now, how she misses her son. How guilty she feels because her husband is taking care of her little one, how breastfeeding is hard for her and her son is sometimes ungrateful and still cries when she feeds him, how disappointed and angry she is when he wakes up in the night. I tired to cheer her up as much as I could and tell her that she has to take care of herself and relax. After an hour she told me, surprised, that her back feels much better and she can sit down and eat something. That was amazing to see tangible proof that TMS is so ubiquitous. I can see how it works not only in myself but in other people as well.


Congratulations on going to the end of this post! Keep up the good work and I'll see you around.

 

Hi Aaricia,

I really appreciate your post, for so many reasons. Primarily, I get that you are much less caught by fear, a "greater distraction" than pain, according to Dr. Sarno.

I read a confidence, strength, understanding which you have grown by this latest experience. I think that you have tasted a deeper appreciation of who you are, the obstacles you have gotten through, your deepest commitment to life. This appreciation is precious!

Importantly to me, your listening and love for your friend is an offering which comes from a deeper place of compassion than I think you probably had a year ago. I imagine this based on experience. When we suffer consciously, with love for ourselves and for others, we naturally offer more to the world around us: our understanding of our human life, our love, and our deepening knowledge that human spirit and connection is deeper than fear. So your inner work becomes a gift to the world around you.

Andy B

 

@Aaricia i feel honored to have read your posts through your exploration of TMS.
Being pregnant is very challenging and I’m impressed that you’re using this time to really think about yourself and your life and get yourself into a healthy and real mind space before you welcome a new human to this world. It takes so much courage to do this work and you’ve been fearless in sharing your ups and downs. You will remember this time for the rest of your life. And (maybe with the distance of time and with the diminishment of pain) you’ll be able to look back in this with gratitude as a way to be healthy and whole - as a gift you’ve given yourself and your unborn baby.
I’m working so hard in my recovery and it’s just so so so deep and difficult, but it’s the right and ultimately most rewarding thing I can do and I feel that we are on the same page.
All my very best,
Srton

 

Thank you @srton for very comforting reply to my post. Trust me, writing it was difficult and very stressful to me. I think I had stomach ache for at least two hours. It's not easy to share our deepest thoughts and darkest fears with strangers but I feel that no one other in the world that would understand what we are going through than other people here. We are all connected with great force of TMS and I know how you feel. I know as well that you know exactly how I fell.

Once I did this great step forward I'm dealing with my two steps back as always when recovering but I decided that I'll need to take more care of myself and other moms around me. So far I avoided seeing other people mostly due to pain but today I came out with great idea of monthly meetings with my friends for Wine Club. I noticed that I don't feel pain when I'm with my friends and enjoying conversation with other moms. So far few moms were thrilled with the idea and we will have first meeting soon (for me of course with tea instead of wine). Srton, will have pain either way: if we will go out or if we decide to stay home with our pain.
The choice is yours. I choose to go out. And I wish you with the bottom of my heart to do the same!

We'll get there! We just need to keep going.