Day 6: crying for a reason, being gay, not the norm

So I've been journal-ing a lot the past 6 months I knew my back pain and body tension was from all of my repressed emotions so I started writing before I found this website. I've read all of Sarnos books and well nothing was really happening slow slow slow change. But now I've quit my job, moved in with my parents and I feel safe and secure enough to get into the messy bits. Now that I am away from my huge stressor ie my job, Toronto, the I didn't want anyway, I am now feeling. Everything is coming out. Like today on Day 6 when meditating, as I have done before but I always felt uncomfortable, tension, sadness, fear and ange but didn't know why, now today I let it all out and stopped trying to be present with breathing and felt why I was really sad, anger, feared. I am a gay man and I was raised catholic and that created so much shut for you don't even know. It's easy for straight people to sin and they are forgiven but for gay people raised catholic it's so sad. These institutions are not good for humanity as a whole as they exclude so many and leave the many feelin alone, evil, angry and without hope. How dare a man wearing a dress tell me who I can love. How dare as a child when I realized I had feelins for other boys that my personal relationship with Jesus was no more. It's like finding out you can't be part of the club anymore. That fucking hurt me beyond belief. Which then made me feel so less and unworthy of life and love. On top of that I felt anger from what I picked up for society about masculine and feminine and that being masculine is better. That's how I leaned not to feel! Which lead me to this place now!!!! I mean fuck the world and it's one size fits all mentality. This is not 1000 years ago, grow up world. Anyway I knew this all before as I'm a very educated man it's just I never felt it all. I would rationalize and say get over it and you "should" not them affect you. Anyway I'm done with stopping feelings. I feel so great and I'm not scared of my insides anymore. Thanks for listening.

Oh ya lol I'll try to meditate again and see what comes up or maybe I'll actually let go and relax for once

Happy weekend

 

Welcome, Otterman!

Yay!

There are so many messages we get about stuffing down feelings and how we "should" feel, messages about how men should be, how women should be, etc...definitely makes you see the tremendous pressure we are all under that fuels TMS. I have often wondered if TMS is occurs more in certain groups that are traditionally marginalized like LGBTQ, women, people of color, people in poverty, etc. But however we got here--I think we can get back to a place of healing and well being. Glad you found this forum!

~ Veronica

 

Thanks for your words. My internal rage used to come from hating and being jealous of heterosexual white men, but this is passing slowly. It gets better and I do agree that TMS may plague minorities, or people who have been made to believe by institutions, society and media that they are less than the rulers ie white straight men in western society.