Day 6 - pain in much worse!!!

I'm going through the program reading as much as I can the same time but my pain is much worse! Not only it's moving around but also I have new symptoms like pain in the bottom or needle sensations in my hands. This scares me even more, maybe I have another herniated disc in my neck as well and it's pushing on the nerve?
I'm also tierd and scared, what if ti will never go away.... I can't live like this!!! I want to be happy, have another baby, enjoy my work!

I realized that pain is protecting me from being myself. Just a few weeks ago my mind was focus so much on looking for bad things in people around me. That my colleagues are mean to me and my boss is giving me the worse schedule in the world and its not fair. Those thoughts were in brain on and on all the time. If I got mad on my neighbor for stupid thing that she did and wasn't even aware of my anger I could go around this all day long, all night in my head. Creating imaginary dialogs with them, how I'll tell them off, repeating the situation on and on. Now when my back pain is so bad for the last 3 weeks I realize it's started when I went to my boss and argued about the schedule which was very stupid and I should never do that. She is trying very hard to make iT work for all of us in the departement and maybe I do hardest job and get the worse hours this month but I'm the newest in the team and have the least amount ot technical recalls in whole departament. So maybe that's why she put me in this position. But instead of thinking about this I went and told her that I'll leave if the schedule will be like that in next month. That was stupid. Very stupid. I don't know why I did that. I should just shut my moth and don't complain like every one of us, every on in my depertament was at some point in this situation. Exactly since that time my pain is worse and worse.

It makes sense, instead of being obsessed with conspiracy and meanness form other people I nearly can walk and cry every day that I can't do it any more. It that what I wanted, ended up with pain even on weekends, almost every hours? Think about the pain first thing in the morning, and the last thing before I'll fall asleep? Even I dream about it. Just few weeks ago I was able to go 4-5 days without pain. Now it's maybe 3-4 hours. But at least I don't think how mean my neighbor is, how my boss is trying to put me down...At least now I'm thinking about my back, where is the pain now, why it is there, where it will be in an hour, what if I'll be in pain again tomorrow, why the pain is there, did I eat something that? ALL DAY LONG!

It this normal to have such an increase in pain once the program starts? I was expecting the opposite.

 

Sending you much love, @Aaricia. From reading other people's stories and posts here I understand that the pain can initially increase once you start to work on yourself. Plus, as you say, it coud be your body trying to distract you from your work difficulties as it sounds as if you are going through a very stressful time there. Don't beat yourself up too much right now for what you should or shouldn't have said to your boss, concentrate on soothing and calming yourself and your life down as much as you can. I find deep breathing exercises helpful but you know what helps you. Gentle walking? Music? Talking with positive people? Reading success stories here and elsewhere? This will pass, so stay strong.

 

Thank you very much @westb. I appreciate your post and helpful tips.
I’ll do my best to calm myself.
How I should deal with the pain? Ignore it? Observer it? Talk to it? It’s my obsession now.

 

First of all, for most people (me included) this TMS healing is not a quick fix so I don't have a magic bullet. I'm still a work in progress. What has helped me so far is working on acceptance, observing the pain and giving it space without letting fear and obsession get too much of a hold. Breathe into it. Fear is what feeds the TMS pain and what it eats for breakfast! Switch your focus as much as you can onto things you enjoy, that are pleasurable. Gentle movement always helps. Above all, don't watch the calendar, make it a daily practice. Have you looked at Alan Gordon's programme? He puts a lot of emphasis on dealing with pain and on acceptance/outcome independence.

I've recently discovered Nicole Sachs' videos on YouTube. She is a TMS practitioner and in the one video I've listened to so far she says that the goal of TMS work is to deal with the fear of the pain rather than the pain itself. I think I get what she's saying. i.e. remove the fear and the brain itself will then calm down and - in time - the pain will dissipate. I plan to listen to more of her YouTube talks.

There are of coure many other tools mentioned on the Forum. The literature - Sarno's and Steve Ozanich's books of course. I'd put in a special word for Claire Weekes' book "Self Help for Your Nerves" While she is writing for sufferers of anxiety and nervous exhaustion. her advice is relevant I find to those of us with TMS pain. I've also found Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" immensely helpful recently. Worth a look.

Good luck.

 

@westb. Thank you for you kind words and support. It’s priceless.
I read both Tara’s and Steve books. They are great so I’ll definitely will look into them again.
You are right, the fear... if only that was easier to do. I have deeply conditioned in my mind that my work course physical pain and most of the symptoms. But there is no logic behind it and I need to go to work so I’ll stay strong and will use your kind words as support in moments of fear. I take few days off this month to give myself time, and get ready for big boards exam next month. This adds to my TMS for sure. So I’ll go off from my calendar, like you said. I have time.

I’m very grateful for your wisdom and kindness. Peace be with you.

 

Hi Aaricia, I am sorry to hear about the increase in pain. It is so uncomfortable, annoying, scary, etc.

I second westb. As much as possible - and if this feels right to you - shift your thinking from pain to fear of pain. For me, I try as much as possible to replace any mention of pain with the word anxiety. So I say to myself, "I don't have a pain problem, I have an anxiety problem." For whatever reason, that wording works very well for me.
Sarno also has a nice quote on this: "As long as he [the person] continues to engage with his symptoms as a physical disorder, the fear will continue." That's what I think everyone is getting at when they say to think psychologically at all times. Even if we don't find the psychological source, the very act of replacing physical concern with thinking psychologically will lessen the sense of danger. But it takes time for the nervous system to catch up to this shift in thinking.
On that note, I second westb again on Claire Weekes's book 'Self-Help For Your Nerves', or her MP3s which you can find on her page here. She is the loving, encouraging, and tough grandmother that I never had and very much needed to support me through this! She has such fantastic one-liners. This is one of my favorites, and maybe it will be useful for you: "It takes time for a body to establish acceptance [of TMS] as a mood and for this eventually to bring peace just as it took time for fear to become established as continuous tension and anxiety. That is why 'letting time pass' is such an important part of your treatment and why I shall emphasize it again and again. Time is the answer. But there must be that background of true acceptance while waiting for time to pass."

Wishing you the best

 

Thank you @Free of Fear ! I ordered Claire's book in my library. I'll listen to the mp3 as well.
It's so great to feel the support on your courage.
I'll take my time..there is no rush with that.
Peace be with you.

 

That particular Claire Weekes' quote is wonderful. I am learning that one of the most important factors in healing is Patience, ie, letting time pass. Not one of my strengths through my earlier life, but I'm recognising its qualities now.

 

Hi, How are you feeling a few days later? I think it makes sense that your pain would increase as you start to work on why it started in the first place. Sounds like you have a lot of work life stress. As well if you want another baby you should just have another baby and not think you have to wait until you were pain free. Perhaps the pregnancy would distract you from all of this. If you laugh at this, well at least I got you to laugh. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to dream about the things we really want and then just jump in and go for it. Pain or no pain. Wishing you better weeks ahead!

 

H! Thank you for asking! I feel much better now. The pain in my back is much smaller but my old knee injury worked up and bothers me which makes me so happy because it’s mean my brain shifts my attention and I’m knocking on the right door with my work.
I’m thinking that maybe my body is protecting me form another pregnancy. I’ve ended up in the first place with huge baby blues which was a nightmare. My body was devastated abt it took me few months to get back on track. Since that I’m scared every time I see newborns or an infant. But my daughter is asking every day and my husband is pushing so much. We bought a bigger house, I graduated few months ago but I’m still resisting. On the other hand I would love to have new one. Maybe the pain is protecting me form doing the same thing...
Thank you for your kind words!

 

Well that makes ALOT of sense! Glad to know your pain is moving around. I mean it sucks that it shifted to your knee but jeez you can see how the TMS operates. It is keeping you in the FEAR cycle.

If you had post partum depression with your first, your body was devastated and you feel more on track, well it makes sense you are scared every time you see a newborn or infant. Explore these emotions. Really dive into them. Sounds like you are on the right track

 

Just a quick update - I'm pregnant! I'm going to be a mom again! And I feel so much better. Pain is still there but much easier and honestly I don't care as much about it any more.
I got so much more relaxed and I'm ready to leave my toxic work. This doesn't make me happy and since I've made a decision to leave, I feel so much better.
There is a lot of work that still needs to be done but psychotherapy helped a lot and I know I'll get there! No rush, I have time.

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy and that you have been feeling better pain wise! Wonderful news!!!!!

 

That is wonderful news that you have support in place. When I had my son I had really bad post partum depression so I can relate to having supports in place. I had it all in place prior to his birth. Plus with already having a child you know what to expect.

I am doing better than when I started the program. Not healed but I didn't really expect to find 100% healing. I am just in a better place, can cope better and find that I am not stressing so much over what are obvious TMS symptoms. Thanks for your kind words!