Day 6 Day 6

Question to ponder .... what are my fears? Gotta few minutes? A few hours?

Probably my first and foremost fear is death - probably because I have no control over it and for me, it's all about control. And what can you do with that?

After death, my next greatest fear is is growing old and becoming infirm, incontinent and the like. I've been responsible for my parents since 2003. Mind you, they lived in an assisted living facility and then moved to various higher level of care facilities, but I was in charge of them both (health and financial and the like). My dad died in 2010 at 93 and my mom just turned 93 end of January and she is living in an assisted living facility about 5 minutes from my house. The last few years of my dad's life was what I would call ugly. He eventually resided (I wouldn't say "lived") in a locked down Alzheimer's facility. Became incontinent and antagonistic and it was just so sad to see. My mom has had her share of "growing old issues", too, although her general health is good. I've been entrenched in it because of my aspect of their care. Though my mom is only 5 minutes away, I generally see her 1 day per week on Sunday, so I can make my "dutiful" call to my brother in Florida and they can chat. Sometimes I have to go an additional day, be it medication delivery or whatever. But, I'm at the point where it's pretty emotional visiting her and seeing all of these old folks and their condition.

Beyond these two fears, there is general health fears for me (I can easily let this one run amok), my husband, my two adult sons and also my sons being able to take care of themselves financially (we subsidize one son).

I think these are my greatest fears, but because of ongoing anxiety, generally anything can spiral out of control fairly easily, despite consciously knowing my thinking is completely distorted, frustrating be that it may.

 

Thanks for sharing Linda. I could really empathize with your situation and your Mother. Growing old can be a challenge, and really tolling on the soul for the older person and those who love them. A friend of my fathers just passed away - he was in his 90s. He was ready to go, and just waiting for his body to release him. Often I think our society teaches us to fear death and therefore we are less capable of embracing it and celebrating the cycle of life. It also comes with great pain and grieving. I though, "no wonder she's in physical pain."

I can really relate to the anxiety spiraling out of control. I was on anti-anxiety meds years ago, and really got my life together. I got off of them and have been off for several year. But OMG, I'm there again where it just happens. I have found myself holding my face in turmoil and having to take deep breaths. Feeling so overwhelmed and out of control, and like i'm going to blow. Not angry blow - emotion overload blow. I'm not sure I even experienced it to this level last time. It makes me really sad even writing it because I mourn for the person I was before all of this started happening. And I have to remind myself that i'm the same person - I just need to keep working on rewiring my brain and walking through this pain. Rick Hanson, Neuroscientist, says "neurons that wire together fire together." I am happy to have this space to keep delving deeper into my pain and anxieties, and to overcome my physical ailment (?) and heal. My fingers are crossed - - we're in this together.

 

Hi hne913 .... yes, I agree with you on society's view on death. I also think alot of what I feel is being around death and the elderly so much - sick elderly, in fact! My anxious mind runs with it and thinks that this is how we will all end up. I really need to focus more on the other side of the coin - all of the elderly people out there that really are okay and living on their own and cognizant!

I can certainly relate to the anxiety, too .... I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) over 35 years ago. Like you, initially I was on medication off and on (I fought medication because of severe side effects). Haven't been on anything in probably 12-15 years and trying to manage it on my own. Difficult at the least, but doable. Sometimes I get caught up in "mourning" the person I used to be, but really at this point, it's been so long since I haven't had anxiety, I really can't remember who I used to be. Maybe that's a good thing! LOL! I try not to label myself as an anxious person or a person with anxiety - I don't think that's healthy. I just try to accept it as my current challenge (and challenge it is sometimes!). Let's stick together and get through this - I know we will be succesful, I can just feel it!