Day 8.. A Test of Faith

I'm glad for a check in today because I woke up with a slight faltering in my hope. I still logically reinforce "I KNOW it's TMS, relax" every time I begin to get wound up on the physical aspect of it.. The skeptical thought sound like "I haven't improved yet, if it's in my head why does exercise make it so much worse, what if I am the exception to this treatment"

Those thoughts make me feel angry - they make me feel angry at Dr.Sornos, this thread (no offense) - because I'm like "here are all these people telling my it's psychological but what IF IT ISN'T! I will be so misled and angry".

I really don't linger on those thoughts for long though. I'm not actually angry at you guys haha. And I do believe this is TMS.

I went to a really hardcore fitness class yesterday. These yoga sculpt classes are like psycho cardio, strength training, and yoga all in one. I love it. I want nothing more than to be able to go to those things on the regular again.

After class - my back pain was through the roof and it feels pretty weird today too.
The idea of "symptom imperative" feels like such a test of faith. I'm going to stay faithful. But there is no denying that strength training and excersies amplifies my pain in the short term.
If I power through this pain in the short term, is that in service of long term healing? Time will tell. I get it's a threshold thing.

It seems like figuring out how to "ease back into activity" is very gradual and trial and error for everyone. I want to go back 100% while simultaneously wondering if that specific work out may need to wait until I'm further along in my recovery thoughts?

Anyways.. Other updates from week 1...
I have been taking mushroom microdoses as often as I can. I find it helps me to really get into my feelings. I have a clear list of things I am angry about, and traumatic events that I still need to unpack.

We get used to our thoughts and personalities like a worn in pair of shoes. We think things over and over until they feel real. Suddenly what was once a repeated thought, with reinforcement, becomes something that feels so real, so dense, so unmovable. But even then, it's still just a bundle of beliefs compacted so tightly that it FEELS real.

Moment to moment, I make sure I never push rage away. I feel some anger at some of these things, but haven't honestly actually fully felt rage this week. It feels performative. Like - I know I'm supposed to be angry, and I try and force myself to be angry, but that doesn't feel authentic. I'm just opening gently and allowing myself to feel whatever is there. No force. Just lots of permission.

I find that one of the most common unfelt emotion for me is a deep reservoir of toxic shame. My "goodist" personality type is kind of a masking technique I've developed, to hide that.

I did a meditation this week where you are to sit in a room in your head, the room is your safe space. And you invite in this big, bloody, black bear. The black bear is all your defense mechanisms, all of your challenges, all of your self destructive patterns. You sit with the black bear and don't try to change it. Underneath the bear, you realize - this big gnarly bear is actually trying to protect your inner child. You invite the inner child out and you sit with them. You ask them what they need. You tell them that they are safe now.

 

There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, wanting to be nice, accepted and OK with our peers is a prime time rage maker. The truth is this is 'performative' in a way ...I have always told people that the more creative you are and the more intuitive guesses you make the more likely you are to get to 'Aha'...it is that conscious monitoring by the 'adult' or 'Moses' in our head arguing with the 5 year old that is at the root of TMS.

Sarno used words like 'ridiculous' about the sources of anger. If you're waiting for it to make sense, you won't find it!

Maybe you need to stop micro-dosing and just take a Terrence McKenna 'Heroic" dose...because you need to get waaaay outside of your ego. Or, just 'face yourself' and dispense with the shrooms altogether.

https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/61092/1/how-to-take-a-heroic-dose-of-magic-mushrooms-psilocybin-guide (How to take a heroic dose of mushrooms)

Funny. Before I had a authentic spiritual experience I took LSD/mushrooms Mindlessly for recreation. Later, when I had the 'Saul on the road to Damascus' I finally understood why they are used for religious purposes. I haven't done them since, though I know a few people who could stand to benefit from an "Heroic dose". This process is a lot closer to religion then people might think. Not the belief part..that is all rational...it's the 'what's really absolute truth' part. Our morally relativistic society has tricked people into believing that ...and it's a colossal Lie. One that keeps TMS in place.

That is all still in the realm of the physical and thinking like that will only keep you stuck...remember "Physico-phobia" ?

I always presume I am average. I was in really good shape when the TMS came though I obviously atrophied during my 18 month sojourn in the pain world...however, once somebody understands these principles, Sarno was adamant about returning to activity INCLUDING the most vigorous. Every body has to make their peace with that...the longer it is put off, the longer you are letting the TMS 'win' and continue to condition you.. this is a war.

The only other 3d instruction I would give you is , You need to be totally focused on your anger and rage thoughts while working out...doing it in a class is all good, but I wonder if you can really let your shields down in a group? I went running alone. I went to the batting cages alone. I lifted weights 'incorrectly' alone. This is YOU vs YOU...and it is very private just like prayer.

I didn't 'ease back' into activity,. I got frustrated with understanding the principle but still being in pain and I went from 'walking' like the old crusty people at my local park to Sprinting, Riding my bike at breakneck speed and hitting 80mph pitches in the cages....alone with nothing but my fear and my TMS knowledge THAT is where all the emotional break through happened. That is where my brain realized that all of the crap they had told me was BS and that I was fine...my problem was in my life, not in my back.
Some of the other people on this forum think I am a little....intense? Pushy? But, I have zero patience for being in pain and I did this to get well... I have never 'eased into' anything in my life. I also got pain free in about 3 weeks..back at work in 5.

Peace

 

Hey maybe I will! It's been a long time since I've done that.

I found my fury today for sure. The microdose makes me more open to feeling more of what was already there. My dog was biting on my leash and jumping on me and I let myself feel all the fury that led into even more fury. I went on a vigorous run and grunted in a way that felt like a child when they don't get what they want - this deep, fRUSTRATED fury... And just thinking to myself "fuck THAT" anytime I feel the pain. Just how confined and claustrophobic it feels to be limited in your body.

I'm young and healthy its an absolute shame to be afraid to bend over. That's BULLSHIT!

I was sitting down to work on my painting and I realized how much FURY all the pressure to make my art beautiful makes me feel.

Anyways, I'm going to go with the flow, but if a day feels right this week I will clear my schedule for a larger dose.

 

Performing it my lifelong nemisis. I've noticed this past week how deeply I want acceptance among my peers and how it actually makes me feel. Great rage creator that is for sure.

I'll work on not arguing with the 5 year old or trying to make this process "logical".

I look for answers outside of me, whether it be affirmation or data on here or "evidence" that the pain is improving.

That way of approaching this treats my emotions and feelings like they are a problem to be solved

 

In the words of the Messiah, Maynerd...



Forfeit all control
You poison
You spectacle
Exorcise the spectacle
Exorcise the malady
Exorcise the disparate
Poison for eternity
Purge me and evacuate
The venom and the fear that binds me
Unveil now
Lift away
I see you running
Deceiver chased away
A long time coming