Day 8: my MBS experience up to this point

Hello my fellow travellers!
Well I really needed that day off yesterday - from trying so hard!
Talk about hitting the nail on the head! And as explained - when I forgot about it & got on with living my life I had a whole lot LESS pain!
Try teaching our kind not to give a F***! Personally, I care too much & don't understand when people don't care.
Anyway, so as I was saying a few days ago, I have been consistently telling my brain that bullying my body into pain responses is no longer acceptable & that my feelings are valid & now welcome.
So I can say & believe that to myself but it doesn't feel integrated yet. I found it quite hard to journal deeply last week. It seemed like I was just writing down thought processes rather than how I felt or feel. And this is coming from someone whose personality has always been intense, deep & expressive! So I'm a bit puzzled especially after 30+ years of psychotherapy of every kind. I am used to doing the deep work.
I remember my first post about not being 100% sure I have MBS/TMS because of structural deformity in my right foot. But the more I thought about it in light of the information I was learning, I considered that walking on my right foot was probably the start of my MBS/TMS habit of responding. As typical with our type of personality, I am motivated & impatient for results but know ultimately I am not in control of my life & death, my Creator is. I am learning to trust His wisdom & love for me. We are traumatized in relationships & we heal in relationships. Finally I am coming home to myself, to behaving like my own nuturing/protective parent in my Creator's perfect timing. And now that I am on the right track - wow! After 20 years of struggling inside 4 hours a day - things are speeding up in the healing direction! (Finally, she says, lol). It is a relief though, to finally be here & to realize I needed to learn what I needed to learn until this point. Instead of being annoyed at myself because of "not performing well enough or quick enough" that with my Creator (ultimately not my dysfunctional parents) I am enough, no matter where I am in this journey or process. He remains with me. Yesterday it was good to "just be" with Him rather than trying to constantly improve myself. I'm so bored of myself! There's much more interesting & beautiful things to focus on in life!
Thanks for reading, accepting, understanding & validating, my friends. I appreciate you.