Day 8 - some progress but fear

This is still very early days for me. I'm taking it very slowly. I've been journaling, and I'm still in the middle of reading The Divided Mind (my first Sarno book) and taking it in. I'm increasingly convinced that yes, I have TMS, and I've felt more open and in less pain over the past week and feel more hopeful. It's also been great that when telling two close friends about it, they both agreed strongly with my explanation of TMS as it relates to me, and support my new approach.

The problem is that my pain, which is most intense and problematic in my legs, comes on after as well as during any activity such as even a small amount of walking, so I'm in the habit of keeping tabs on 'how much I've walked so today' and limiting it severely. The pain develops some time after walking and is cumulative. This means I can be walking and thinking I'm fine but pain comes later, which is part of my pain-fear pattern. I tend to be very vigilant about how much walking and moving I do. The less I move, the less pain I have.

This past week I felt 'freer' and somewhat more able to put pain in the background, and I started to feel that yes, maybe I really can be pain-free some day! I'm really pleased that yesterday I started to 'crash' but I was able to put it in the background and went on with my day just fine!

But the fact is that I'm not really moving more than before. I'm still gripped by fear and holding myself back all the time and find myself wondering how I'll get the courage to walk more. This is because despite everything, I'm still afraid of the pain/fatigue/malaise that I've learned will come when I walk or do 'too much'.

I hope that it will happen slowly and organically as I go. I'm certainly more aware of that fear than I was before, but for now it's very hard to let go of the fear and the conviction that the more I walk and do, the more the pain will build up.

I'm telling myself that it's still early days and it's all about baby steps. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself to walk more, and let it happen when it's ready, as I continue with the books and the program.

 

Yes, you are in the reprogramming phase. You will lose the fear as time goes by -- it's the psychological work that will set you free. You don't have to push yourself at this time, your doing great -- keep us informed. Bless You