Day 8 thoughts on knee

To solidify my reading I’m going to reflect - spending 15 minutes to half an hour to get TMS trained.

yesterdays post “What you’re truly celebrating is that you’re changing your habits, and building a sense of empowerment”. Positive reinforcement for efforts and dopamine rewards for doing tasks. So I’m proud proud (and frightened … oh, that’s a surprise…) of my increase in exercise. Omg! I’ve walked as long as I wanted! I “rucked” (carried weight in my backpack) twice on dog walks - this is prep for overnight hikes. I’ve done yoga and one strength and mobility session. I did some feel good stretching. What a wonderful wonderful experience. How magical to do the things I’ve been dreaming of when I used to pull back or do something and notice if it affected my pain - which it “always” did - and then cycle into frustration and anger. So I’ll just sit in this feeling of wonder and let those chemicals in.

Fear! Look at that guy! So glad I’m writing! Physio therapy and the arthritis “specialist” and the arthritis platforms ALL told me to “watch my pain” and then use that as a gauge. Holy bonkers! I have used apps to track this! Diligent in it. I have an amazing two page chart of what exercise and when pain before during and after what I ate how I slept. THEY TOLD ME THIS WOULD WORK (oh hello anger) and it didn’t and I was so careful and I was so committed and it’s HARD to commit to stuff when I’d rather eat pancakes and watch videos or DO YOGA but I DID IT. So, yes, I’m mad. Mad at the loss of time and…can I forgive? Love my anger, thank you anger! Great job! I see you and I appreciate you. (I’m afraid of you too but that can change. You have been absolutely fantastic these last months and I am hopeful that I can love you too for all of your strength and insight and protection?).

Fear! I am so aware of the residual kick back response my body appears to be giving me. I have increased? aching in my medial knee line. I have “great pain” when I flex that knee to end range. Because I believe that means my joint is compromised. That I have increased swelling that causes the joint to send pain signals. Or the missing meniscus is ringing alarm bells that it’s “too much”. Or a mechanism I have yet to understand is yelling no no no. But I don’t believe that I can actually be injuring the joint - a missing meniscus should actually create more space in the knee. And the swelling increasing pressure does make sense. Also an “unknown to me” mechanism also is unarguable. So like pushing on a balloon increased pressure could increase pain HOWEVER the movement of flexion and extension is how joint fluid ACTUALLY can pump itself and create more flow and exchange of old and new. It is hardest to refute swelling. The mechanism “I don’t understand” is debunkable because I have read A LOT about the pathophysiology of osteoarthritis and it’s a wonky inflammatory soup, and cartilage exchange gone awry, and cytokines and fancy ck1 and CRP and blah blah blah.

SWELLING DECREASES WHEN THE BRAIN SEES THE JOINT EXPAND (see Tasha Stanton). So I CAN HEAL/Co-CREATE swelling with my brain. Also would a teaspoon of swelling cause that I don’t think so. Omg I just checked my knee and the swelling is negligible if even there at all…. So it’s possible the bone is shouting but even that isn’t true because I do have space and fluid there. The next logical choice is that my pain receptors in my knee are HYPERSENSITIZED, my spinal chord intake is HYPERTROPHIED my brain areas are HYPERAWARE and then the brain response is DEFCOM 5 when it’s more like a mouse whisper. And maybe not even that because there is no real threat.

I need to desensitize my brain while working towards full flexion. I’ll take it slow. To decrease alarm to no-thing. Knee bend holds sitting x 3 days. Knee bend kneeling x 80% x 3 days for 1 sec each increase to 2 second holds x 3 then 3 sec until 10 secs. Then 90%. Lots of lots of love and gentleness because I’m impatient now and being a perfectionist and so haha an exercise in stillness and non doing

 

Yes!!!! And you did it with bravery. And you did it by embracing your TMS diagnosis.