Day 8

l am learning a lot about myself in this program. I have learned that I am an insecure, emotional mess and I try to hide it because I always have to keep it together. I have always had to keep it together.

It started when I was a little kid about the age of 9 when my parents adopted two siblings for me. Then they got separated and divorced. Money was tight and I got stuck being the responsible one for them when both of my parents were absent from time to time either physically or emotionally. I became the caretaker for my emotionally/mentally sick mother and the younger siblings. My childhood stopped at that time and I had to become a mini adult.

I never had someone to make me feel good about who I was or what I accomplished. I got As and Bs, never got into any trouble as a young kid. Always the good one. I had no choice. I had to take care of everybody.

Who took care of me?? My inner child is still that little insecure girl. Scared to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing which might set my mom off and take a bottle of pills. At time I was responsible for keeping her ALIVE. I couldn't go to my dad because he was weak and afraid to do anything as well. So I suffered.

My inner parent was always in control telling me what I had to do to keep it together.

As an adult I chose a man to marry who I thought was stable but who turned out to need me just as much. I am the super caretaker. And now I am trying to really get in touch with myself. I have been to therapists off and on for years but obviously something is still hurting me emotionally because of this physical pain I have been in for 4 years.

I am trying to understand why I do what I do and how it makes me feel. And more importantly how I react to what is going in my life and how my auto reactions happen and are creating this pain.

 

It sure looks to me that the main emotion causing your TMS pain is how you are still being a caretaker. That is a really big problem for many people. I was my mother's caretaker and the stress it gave me nearly drove me nuts. She was impossible to please. Many older people are the same. When I finally gave up after nearly two years, it left me with feelings of guilt which I'm sure left me with TMS pain. We can't win, can we!

On the plus side... I never married but had three dogs over the past 40 years and loved being their caretaker. In many ways, I have realized they also were my caretakers.

You may find help if you read about caretaking. For starters, there are some free videos on YouTube about caretaking.