Day 9 day 9 -finding self compassion very difficult

I've thought that I don't deserve compassion -- it's my fault for not being mentally healthy and honest with my feelings. I deserve this pain since I've brought it on myself. I felt that in order to recover from this pain I need to be merciless with myself and my memories and my feelings. I need to let it flow and dig into the emotional dirt -- no matter how painful.

A recent breakthrough has been that not all of the negative experiences in my past are my fault. It always takes 2 people to have an interaction/relationship but since I've always wanted to believe that I'm in total control I've not admitted that there have been times when others have done me wrong. I think that if i allowed myself the idea that someone else hurt me i would look weak. I never wanted anyone else to control my feelings.
The idea of being thought of as a victim by others was pretty terrifying. But I am a human being and there have been times when I've been hurt and that's OK. In fact it's kind of a relief to think back on situations and realize that some of it has not been my fault.
sending all my best to all of us working the program!!
many thanks for being so wonderful

 

Srton,
One thing that may be helpful is something I've read about several times in TMS literature. Imagine yourself as a toddler--cute, loveable, and deserving of much love and attention. A good parent is solicitous of a baby--providing all that they need. Try to parent your 3 year old self. Realize that others will sometimes be mean to that child, and comfort them when that happens. Guide that child, but provide the loving arms he/she needs when the world is unkind. No one expects a 3 year old to be able to stand up to the world!
Blessings on your journey.

 

srton, I've felt the same way about being seen as a victim. I do not want that. It feels shaming, and at heart I know that I create my own reality, and that vibrationally we are attracting experiences to ourselves that match our own frequencies.

However, I've had to find a way to come to terms with the fact that a lot of what I've experienced has been cruel and punishing and once, even violent... and somehow find the emotions connected with feeling like a victim, even if deep down I understand that I am not truly ever a victim.

It's a tricky balance. To feel the hurt and the rage, let it come out and be valid, and let the intellectualization stop, just stop. Then there comes a kind of overwhelming feeling of kindness towards yourself, and oh boy, is that ever like water to a thirsty plant.