Day 9 severe tms attack

I woke up this morning at 4 p.m with a severe tms attack. I went down being so frightened, and went half a sleep straight for my prescription drugs paracetemol/codeine and thinking (!) if this gets worse I still have morfine. Wow, talking about a Pavlov reaction, half sleepy, thus subconsciously. It is now 5pm (CET) and the attack has calmed down although i still have pain in my left leg.
Here'what happened:
I paniced and then remembered dr. Sarno and tips from reading other experiences. So i started a mantra by repeatingly saying to myself: i am safe, pain is not the issue, focus on the problem. I calmed down and then i realised i had to look at triggers:
1. Friday I went to see my fysiotherapist and after the physical exam he told me to take it easy, be careful with bending and so on (See also my thread day 8) He taped my back and i threw tms overbroad straight away- only to get rid of the tape because it was itching
2.Saterday there was a letter from the company's doctor telling me that i should be able to start work within three weeks - I rsent my job so much but i ignored that feeling (and the fear that they want to get rid of me and i am head provider for my family)
3. Also the letter stated that because of my history with herniated discs there was very high risk on relapses.
4. in the village where I live, there was a childeren's parade which involved a lot of walking but also seeing friends, neighbours and all. Everyone was inquiring about my back (it is a small village) which in itself is lovely but all the advice was about taking it ease, be carefull and so on.
Now for some reason if someone says something to me or when i read something i tend to believe this is true.

So here's what happened during the attack:
I did my mantra, realised my triggers and wanted to write all of the above in a thread - BUT my tms litterally attacked at the very moment that I wanted to type my password to log in in by giving me a huge sharp pain through my left leg. Then my leg started to shake so much by "itself" that i couldnot do anything for 20 minutes - the shaking stopped, came back, stopped, came back, stopped. During this i repeated my mantra, i am safe. The shaking did not frightened me so much as the pain attacks so i kept breathing in and out.

AND then i realised that the emotions i am feeling is one of unsafety and feeling alone - this is how i felt all my life unsafe with my emotions, unsafe with other people's input and very much alone (and there is some anger there too)
.

So thank you all for reading, I am tired now, it's 5:45 pm cet, , still in pain but reliefed as well.
Margot








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