Day 9 Day 9

Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this? These are the questions to ponder for day 9. Just last weekend I messed something up that I should have not done. It wasn't the end of the world, but I felt horrible. I had a tightness in my stomach and chest and in my mind I called myself an idiot and also repeated that I hated my life. I don't know when I started doing this type of self talk, but it has been going on for several years. I am more aware of it, but I still tend to do it. I am better at recognizing when I do it and I do try to forgive myself later for being so hard on myself. I know I have had issues of not loving myself and also of not feeling good enough since childhood. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, so when I'm not, I really am hard on myself. I am working on being kinder and more loving toward myself regardless of whether I mess something up or not.

 

Hi. It's Walt again. I hope you can lighten up on yourself and not bully yourself.
Don't pressure yourself to be perfect. That can be a big emotion bringing on TMS pain.
We all mess up at times. Look at politicians, and businessmen. They mess up all the
time, Big Time. But they won't admit it, probably not even to themselves.

Our mess-ups are Tiny Tots compared to their's.

 

Hi Walt. I really appreciate your supportive messages. Thank you. I know this is a work in progress. I am trying to take the baby steps to get to a good place for myself. I'm very close to quitting my job and moving to New Zealand. I found a job opportunity there for 6 months. Not that I am trying to run away from my stresses, but maybe that's what I need to do for a few months.

 

A change could be good. My best friend and his wife just returned from a week in New Zealand and said they loved it.
Beautiful country and friendly people.
Lots of people can't find a job in the US for six months, so it could be a good thing.
I don't look at it as running away from stresses, but a new beginning.
You never know what six months can lead to.

My favorite author, F. Scott Fitzgerald, wrote in his first novel, This Side of Paradise, that his main character had returned
from World War I and wondered what he should do, and a priest friend told him, "Do the next thing." When we are not
totally sure of our direction for the future, not to worry about it but do the next thing. For you, New Zealand sounds like
the next thing. The Lord often gives us choices of direction but one seems to stand out above the others.

The priest said that the next thing always leads to the next thing after that and we eventually arrive at the right place.

And don't forget to put a shrimp on the barbie for me. That's Aussie talk, and I like them too.

 

I think my relationship with my inner critic is fundamental to the way I experience myself. Good luck to aa, and everyone, to understand and disengage from this painful structure...