Day one

Day One: I'm pretty sure I have TMS. Working to get to I have TMS. I am a 37 mother of two sweet kiddos. I hurt my pelvis having my second baby 18 months ago and it took me 8 months of pelvic PT to get it fixed. Then I had 3 beautiful months of no pain. Gardening, hiking, swimming, travel, playing with my kids. I had lots of stress too: my son went through evaluations for developmental delays that made me super emotional and worried.

Then bam: one day I picked up my baby and felt something "go" in my back. I was told it was the illiolumbar ligament. Then came the pain and "sciatica." And the fear of another injury and more pain.

It's been six months since that last injury. I've been told I have a protrusion at L5-s1. But then told there is no nerve compression. I've been told I've have SI dysfunction, leg length discrepancy, inflammation, pelvic organ prolapse. I do not test for any of the typical sciatica tests. I was told I have weak glute muscles, a weak core. Even though I was just months before doing the butterfly in the pool.

Last week I got prolotherapy shots on my pelvis to try to tighten ligaments I'm told are weak from child birth and my birth injury. And boy do those shots hurt and still hurt.

One PT told me it would be years until I recover. I have cried and joined Facebook forums about SI joint issues and believed I may be permanently disabled.

The back doctor told me not to bend, lift or twist. I have sat for more than 15 minutes or in the car. Fear is running my life.

On Friday I decided I needed to stop reading anything negative about people in pain for ever or disabled by backs or SI joints. So I started googling success stories and found the TMS site.

I actually read John Sarno's book months ago but didn't pursue it because I wasn't immediately cured reading the book. But now I think it's TMS.

I have had two other TMS like issues: insomnia and heart palpitations. Both caused me considerable fear and depression for months until I realized there was nothing wrong with me. Once I believed there wasn't some horrible underlying heart condition or something causing me not to sleep, those conditions magically disappeared.

I believe my pain is based in fear now. I'm afraid I'm disabled. I'm afraid the next time I pick up my baby I might break and be in pain for another year. I'm afraid I won't ever recover or be ok. I'm petrified. I'm only 37 and I worry I'll never backpack again. That I'll do something so simple like picking up a baby and be in pain.

I've done traction and chiro and PT and egosque and everything and some things help a bit for awhile but not for long. I've tried swimming and felt great only for the pain to come back harder and worse hours later. So I've avoided swimming and bending and lifting and twisting.

I believe this is TMS but then I wonder and worry. I was able to speak to roger last night and got some good advice and am going to follow it! Only positive affirmations. I am strong. My back is strong. My ankle is strong. I am healthy. My pain is less than three days ago when I was immersed in negative forums with women in pain for five years and getting SI fusions.

My next steps are mediation, affirmations, confirming TMS, no more PT and slowly trusting my body as well as doing this program.

Scared. But I am strong. I am safe. I am healthy.

Also, my personality fits. I am a perfectionist. Hate dealing with feelings.

I want to live again! I don't want to be afraid of lifting, bending, twisting!!!! I feel a bit like I'm a nut job!

I keep saying I need help. I want to be "normal." Ugh. I wish I wasn't me sometimes. I seem to make things worse with my brain.

Ok. Day one. Christmas Eve. I can do this. I am healthy. I am strong. My back is strong.

Do I have TMS?

 

Beautiful Karen .... your own words reveal your heart. You are strong. Safe. Healthy. And you are also powerful. The journey of healing is a life-long endeavor and you are taking some very positive steps. There are so many wonderful souls here. You will find many stories and a tremendous amount of inspirations. Based on what you wrote and how you wrote it .. I suspect you will also be an inspiration to others.

Welcome to the Forum

.... always with Love and Gratitude <3

 

Thank you, Jan and Lily. I so appreciate your support and guidance and encouragement. Especially on a holiday weekend. I so look forward to doing the program. I do have some childhood things that I get so sick of thinking of. But I'm ready to go there again if needed!

Also, I updated my picture with me and my sweet baby girl hiking in my favorite mountain range, just a few days before hurting myself. That picture is who I am. Strong enough to carry a 20 lb baby up switch backs at 8,000 feet without needing to stop. That's the real me. Not this fearful, tearful weak person who has been told I shouldn't lift my sweet baby. TMS, watch out. I'm coming for you.