Day One

So!

Here I am. Another stop on this never ending journey of pain. To be exact, I don't really have pain, I have a constant numbness and tingling in my buttocks, leg and both feet. I have had so many MRIs that I glow in the dark. I discovered TMS about five months ago, I have read Dr. Sarno's book, joined Curable, and read most of Dr. Schubiner's book and have been diagnosed with TMS by a TMS doctor. I mediate and I journal, but I ain't moving the needle. Still stuck. So I have gravitated to this sight.

My symptoms first started during a very stressful period in my life about a year and half ago. My business, once thriving, more or less collapsed after a rough two year downswing. I helped start the business so it was painful to see it grow smaller and smaller after years of great success. Also, I have an autistic son who, while a joy is still a great responsibility. Evidentially, this all proved too much and I hit a wall. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Then the tingling started. I spent the next year or so helping numerous doctors retirement accounts grow, by frantically bouncing from one to another. I attended a six week pain management course at a world famous hospital. The only thing I really learned was to sleep with a pillow between my knees. I also used to fall asleep a lot during the meditation sessions and snore which was embarrassing. Also, as an added bonus, I was diagnosed with severe Anxiety, which has gotten much better.

I am seeing not one, but two therapists because I can't bring myself to fire one of them. I order drinks at restaurants with plenty of ice, then go to the men's room, drop my pants and press the ice against my butt. I once fell on my face hopping on one foot in a hotel room because I thought I had MS and was trying to test my balance.

We luckily sold what was left of my business and I am playing out the string with the new owners. -probably one year or so from retirement. Our son is still a handful and we are looking at residential options now. As you can imagine that process is stressful and that stress feeds the insatiable Tingle Monster. ( My face is tingling as a write this, cute.)

I am a writer on the side and have published a number of novels, including It's. Nice. Outside. a fictional memoir about my son. I worry that journaling doesn't help me as much as others since I do so much writing and express myself through my work. I'm going on month six of my TMS diagnosis right now and I am getting frustrated. Things are better in my life, but the tingling remains. I fear I will have it until I retire ( I don't like the new place- I am out to pasture there, the old guy who isn't on Twitter) and my son is placed in a safe and nice home which could be years.

Sixteen months of rubbing my legs, massages, journaling, yelling at my old business partners while driving. ( they're not there of course) meditating, reading Sarno books, doing PT on the floor in my office. Nothing! I have accepted the TMS diagnosis though every so often I fall off the wagon and start Goggling rare diseases which I know I don't have because if I did I'm pretty sure I'd be dead by now. Any advice? Can you beat TMS even though your main life stressor ( my son) remains? Anyone else have tingling and numbness?

 

There's a ton of wisdom here on the site, but it's not often a post makes me laugh out loud.
I'm also a writer with an autistic son.
One of the hardest things to accept is the timeline of your healing. It's not linear by a long shot. It's confusing, heartbreaking, maddening, and suddenly glorious. Have you had any breaks in the tingling since you started the TMS treatment? Even tiny ones?
Yes, you can beat this. And you will.

 

Thank you Birder! I have bad days and worse ones. I've never really had a break from it. I may have a few days when I think I may be turning the corner, but then it gets bad again. I work my way through it. I know I won't always be like this. I love your line "suddenly glorious." I cannot wait. Are you "cured?" How long did it take may I ask? Do you think your situation has something to do with your son?

 

"Cured" is such a funny word. It meant something different to me when I started doing the TMS work than it does now. No, I'm not free of pain, but I understand now, today, why I've needed my pain, and that understanding has delivered some pain-free days and weeks, with more to come. And yes, it's glorious!
The phrase "outcome independence" gets tossed around here quite a bit. My sense is that this is an especially important concept for you to explore (I'd paste in a handy link here, but I'm not sure how to do it).
My situation has everything to do with my son - and nothing. He is my joy, my frustration, my fear, my love, my child. As I said, there's wisdom on this site, and far wiser voices than mine that I hope will chime in, but I'd bet my savings (it ain't much) that your tingling has to do with the search for a safe, happy place for your boy. For whatever reason, the time is right for him to launch, just as all children launch. And it's breaking your heart.

 

Oh, hey, the site provided the link for me! Woo hoo! Alan Gordon is awesome. Okay, I'm off to find another cache, no tree this time.

 

@jim K.

I like your style. God alone knows the world needs to nurture a greater sense of humour.

Yes you can. I'm a carer for my hubby who has Parkinson's and that has doled out more than my lifetime's fair share of stress. I've found that if you are caring for someone else, you really have to exponentially increase the levels of self-care and self-compassion you have for yourself. Otherwise you tend towards a depleting and pretty miserable sorry-go-round lifestyle that helps no one, especially when fun emotions like resentment and guilt join the party.

There is a real beauty in caring that deepens our relationships with ourselves, with the cared for and the larger world. It can ground us into more tender emotions, rendering greater sensitivity and the courage to be increasingly open and kind with the most vulnerable of souls in our care. The resolution and healing rests in this process.

TMS healing not an easy path but as @birder says it is glorious. There are oodles of people who have come and gone from this forum, who having healed, call TMS a blessing in disguise.

One of my earliest symptoms was tingling and numbness in my face on the opposite side that would go on to develop neuralgia. It went away by itself as part of the symptom imperative.

Have you explored Alan Gordon's new program yet?

Plum

 

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I was hesitant to go on this site, I feared reading about other ailments would create new ailments for me.( Years ago I was diagnosed with Stage Four, inoperable Hypochondria.) But now that I've explored this site, I'm kicking myself for not going on it earlier. I express my anger, fear and frustration through my humor writing and I plan to post often as I can as a form of release. I am just now starting Alan' program and am working with a great therapist from his group. One day, I plan to write a book about this journey, but I need a happy ending first.

Thank you again!

 

Hey Jim,

My name is also Jim and my story has many similarities to yours. A while ago I went through a time of great stress including a diagnosis of a adhd for my daughter, aspergers for my son and my other son (the so called normal one) was getting in big trouble at school. Soon enough I was getting cramps in my legs then fasiculations then numbness. I was sure I had something terrible. I went to a doctor who did an emu and said peripheral neuropathy. I thought I was finished. Then I started reading Sarnos books again (i got over back pain 20 years ago). Im realizing the my m8nd had to come up with something bigger. Hence neuropathy. The amazing thing is I've started doing things again. I still have numbness in both feet but I'm the best 51 year old basketball playing, weightlifting, ping pong fanatic you'll ever meet. I've had a few days of almost no numbness so I know I'll beat this. But in some ways it has helped me get back into life and also realize how amazing my kids are. Have a good day.

Jim

 

Thanks Jim! Sounds like you are on the right road. I have been working Alan's program now for about 10 days or so, and I feel a little bit better. I've been running about five days a week which is something I avoided for about a year and I do believe that is helping on a number of levels -- including my weight! I am becoming cautiously optimistic. Stay in touch.